Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Shannen sings!
By Demian | Season 3 | Episode 24 | Aired on 01.19.1997
Because VH-1 is one of those stations that announce programming start times that hit the hour precisely yet is also one of those stations that actually begins the damn shows a couple of minutes or so beforehand, my tape cuts into the movie after the title card and Shannen Doherty’s opening credit. Fortunately for me, these evidently appeared over the tap stylings of one Chris Aguilar to the tune of "Give My Regards To Broadway." It’s fortunate because, even though I am a show-tune queen of the highest (okay, lowest) order, even I cannot stand the sight of precious, precocious moppets tippy-tapping their way through municipal talent shows. The camera pans through the backstage area past various costumed brats to a ridiculously convenient and brightly-lit makeup table set up in the middle of the room. Perched on stools in front of the mirrors are two tweenish girls -- a bleached blonde and a be-banged brunette. Their respective mothers stand behind them, fiddling with their girls’ hair. I’m tempted to call the kids "Alyssa" and "Shannen," and their mothers "Lin" and, um, "Mrs. Shannen," but that’s way too obvious. So anyway, Nancy Kerrigan’s mother brushes a stray tendril of hair from her daughter’s face and gently asks if she’s nervous. Nance cops to feeling a little tense just as Tonya Harding’s mom yanks her kid’s hair a bit too hard, eliciting an "Ow!" Mrs. Kerrigan takes this opportunity to present her daughter with a gift she’d been saving for the girl’s birthday. Nancy eases open the lid of a lacquered heart-shaped box to find a small silver pendant in the shape of a pair of ice skates. Oops. I mean, "musical notes." Nancy is as deeply touched by the gift as a saccharine movie-of-the-week twelve-year-old can be. "I love it," she declares, baring a frightening array of bleached and straightened teeth in the process. Over in the other chair, Tonya busies herself by applying even more blush to her already overly-rouged cheeks. Mrs. Harding tells her daughter to knock it off with the cosmetics. "You don’t want to look like a clown," she grumps. Too late. The kid’s got on more blue eye-shadow, black mascara, pink lip gloss, and red rouge than Tammy Faye Messner on one of her worst days. Nancy has fastened the pendant around her neck. Mrs. Kerrigan smoothes Nancy’s hair one more time and places a light kiss on her forehead. "I love you," she croons. "You’ll be great." The two exchange a round of tender smiles, and Mrs. Kerrigan leaves to make her way back to her seat in the auditorium. Meanwhile, Mrs. Mommie Dearest Harding continues to belittle her loinspawn. Tonya begs her mother to convince someone else to perform before her. "Something bad will happen if I go on next," she asserts. Mommie’s not having it. "Remember how we worked on controlling our compulsive thoughts," she condescends, and no, I don’t know what she means by that either. Mommie Harding then spins Tonya around, forcing her to stare at herself in the mirror while gritting with bugged eyes, "You. Can. Do. This. Suzy!" "Suzy"? Bwa! I’m sticking with "Tonya." And do we get it already? Mrs. Kerrigan is sweet and supportive, which is why her daughter will win lucrative endorsement deals and a ride with Mickey at Disney World. Mrs. Harding is scary and psychotic, which is why her daughter will live in a trailer park off the paltry income from her honeymoon sex tape. Right.Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25Next