Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Shannen sings!
By Demian | Season 3 | Episode 24 | Aired on 01.19.1997
Shannen Sings! Again! This time, it’s not that bad. At first. She sits cross-legged on the floor of The Shop of Guitars with Kinda Cute Nick, who accompanies her on an acoustic. She gets through most of the first three lines pretty well:I can’t blame the rain for all of my pain, And I can’t blame clouds. Does anybody hear me?Unfortunately, the third line contains five of those long "e" sounds that are the bane of Shannen’s existence and my ears. Yes, I’m counting the first syllable of "anybody" in that, for she insists on pronouncing it "innybody." Innyway, she repeats that third line four or five times before switching to "because I don’t" a few times. Kinda Cute Nick interrupts with "I do," and they laugh. Shannen asks if they "have a chance" at the Battle of the Bands. "You’re gonna blow that bitch away," Kinda Cute Nick assures her. Cut to the bitch in question. Sorry. My bad. It’s Simon, shirtless in the Lair of the Adolescent, listening to Shannen whine "Don’t Be" through a boom box. Psycho Slut Stalker Girl emerges from the bedroom. Simon apologizes for playing the music so loudly. She crawls into his lap and starts eating his face. Literally. She, like, bites into his ear or something. Simon reacts appropriately, which is to say that he screams. "What was that for?" She vows to kill anyone who tries to take Simon away from her. He’s "not looking for that intense a commitment." I’d toss that a "snorf," but I hate him. Shut up, Simon. She rises and stalks away to the center of the room. We get a shot of him sitting shirtless in his chair, and for the life of me, I swear this guy is fifteen years old. At the most. She psychos something about how, when she can’t sleep, she fantasizes that grave bodily harm befalls Shannen. Somewhere in the Southland, Alyssa nods in stern agreement and raises a cocktail to toast the sentiment. Chloë continues that such visions come to her only when she’s away from Simon, the implication being that if he ever dare dump her psychotic, slutty ass, she’ll ice his ex. She exacts a promise from him that he will go through with the Battle of the Bands. With her singing lead. He gives her the promise she wants. Battle of the Bands. And they all suck. Back in the band staging area, Shannen’s parents impart a few last words of love and luck before returning to their seats. Kinda Cute Nick joins Shannen at her dressing table and presents her with a little gift he picked up for good luck. Shannen eases open the lid of a lacquered oval box to find therein a small silver pendant in the shape of a pair of musical notes. "To replace the other one," he explains. Awwww. "You’re gonna be great," he tells her. She plants a quick kiss on his cheek and corrects, "No, we’re gonna be great." Nick smiles and leaves, only to be replaced by the Psycho Slut Stalker Girl. She sits at the dressing table next to Shannen’s and runs a brush through her hair. "You know how this ends, don’t you?" she snits. "Yeah," Shannen notes coolly. "You choke." She continues, "I know what you did. The others will know, too." Chloë thinks she’s talking about Brad Strum, Dork Stalker, not Gina Gershon-Armstrong. She crazes, "I didn’t do it. I was onstage at the club. Everyone saw me. It was an accident. And I will clear it up as soon as I win." She runs her well-manicured claws through her hair once more and stalks away. Shannen indulges in a moment of "Whuh?"
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