Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Shannen sings!
By Demian | Season 3 | Episode 24 | Aired on 01.19.1997
So, Shannen smiles confidently, even though her thumbs have already betrayed her nervousness. Say goodbye to that little character tic now, as it never appears again. The camera shifts to a tracking shot from the back of what seems to be a banquet hall strung with paper lanterns. Some Nazi frat-boy jackass in a navy blue jacket, white shirt, and wide red tie is up on stage blithering on about how "it’s hard to pick a sweetheart" and "tradition" and "all the girls on Sorority Row [having] a special place in our hearts" and blah blah get to the goddamned point already. Shannen’s up on stage with the Nazi Frat-boy Jackass and three other women, participating in some sort of Greek-system beauty/popularity contest. Counting Shannen, there are two white girls, a Latina, and an Asian. What’s wrong with this picture? Shannen engages in mirthful eye-play with a scrawny boy-man in the audience, who wiggles his eyebrows at her by way of response. ["The scrawn is Jason London, brother of Jeremy and by all accounts the cuter London -- just to give y'all who haven't seen it a mental picture." -- Sars] Nazi Frat-boy Jackass grandly announces, "The Sweetheart of Kappa Pi for 1997 is Heather Romley!" Shannen feigns surprise. Hugs for the losers, a trés-classy cellophane-wrapped bouquet for the winner, and Nazi Frat-boy Jackass passes Shannen off to the scrawny boy-man. "You’re a lucky man, Simon," smarms the Nazi before he disappears for the rest of the movie. Other secondary characters receive names in quick succession. Pay attention: the Asian contestant is "Paige," the Latina is "Alison," and Simon’s slap-happy goateed buddy is "Sammy." There will be a test. Not. As an ovary croons, "Hold on to love," various couples twirl on the dance floor. "I’ve never done it with a Sweetheart before," Simon notes. And you never will, loser, if you keep using trashy lines like that. Shannen beams up at him rather than kneeing him in the groin. Off to the side, a bespectacled (read: "unpopular and dorky geek girl who not only has no friends but also is likely lice-ridden") blonde (read: "highly implausible professional coloring job for a character supposed to be an unpopular and dorky geek girl who not only has no friends but also is likely lice-ridden") snaps photos of the event. The camera pans around behind the blonde’s head to show us she’s focused solely on Shannen and Simon. Dun dun DUN! Cut to the interior of Shannen’s sorority house, where rush is in progress. As proof of the scary Greek-system GroupThink, all of the women are wearing colored tights. All of them. Paige introduces Shannen to a couple of the rushees as the bespectacled blonde fires off another shot of Shannen from the side. She lowers the camera from her face, and it’s Chloë Sevigny! Kidding. She just looks like Chloë Sevigny. With really bad blue eye-shadow and too much mascara and lip gloss. Get it? GET IT? We get a slow-motion Chloë POV of Shannen flipping her hair around while the sorority-sister chit-chat babbles on underneath in real time. Paige kicks it with the exposition, telling the rushees that Shannen is in a band called "Dead Pink." No comment. Yet. Shannen invites a girl named Risa to come see the band sometime. Risa’s overjoyed, as she finds the guitar player dead sexy. If she’s referring to that scrawny lad with the lame pick-up lines, I shall be forced to disagree strenuously. Paige and Shannen foist the rushees off on Alison as Chloë the Geek Girl lurks up behind them. Chloë introduces herself to Shannen as "Zanne Armstrong." The two apparently share an English class. Shannen greets the geek warmly, but Paige snottily takes Shannen by the arm to lead her away to a better prospect for the house. Bitch. Also: Snicker. Zanne looks like she’s about to pout at the snub, but the scene cuts to a nightclub before we get a good look at the expression on her face. In keeping with the 1997 theme, I will tastelessly call the bar "Club Rendez-vous." Sorry, Abner.Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25Next