Episode Report Card Demian: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Witless Protection
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 10 | Aired on 11.27.2004
Up in the nonexistent attic, the Dolt finishes setting a protective circle of Mystical Crysticals on the floor as Cordelia, lounging on one of the sofas with a frosty Long Island, dizzily narrates a lengthy wish list to an increasingly irritated Piper. "You know, you might want to narrow it down to your top ten demands," the Dolt impatiently grunts. "Hey!" Cordelia snaps. "I've got something you want, and the minute I spill my guts, I have no more bargaining chips, so I'm milking it for all I can." Good for you honey, but you might want to try for something a little less annoying than that lap dog you just requested. Otherwise, I might have to cheer when you're finally vanquished. Ooops! Spoiler! Piper, vaguely amused by all of this, nevertheless abruptly changes the topic of conversation to ask the Dolt if the kids were okay when he dropped them off at Not!warts. Tiny Gay Chris, you see, apparently has a rash, and the Psycho's been -- wait for it -- "a little cranky." Just a little, huh? Hee. The Dolt exasperates that the kids are fine and that, after all, they leave them at Not!warts all the time. "Exactly," Piper counters, finally getting to the point. "They spend more time at [Not!warts] lately than they do at home." "She's right, you know," Cordelia interjects. The put-upon Dolt rolls his eyes, sighs, and admits he's as uncomfortable abandoning the kids every six minutes as Piper is -- sure you are, Dolt -- but they need to resolve the Cordelia situation before the demons attack again.
Piper whines rather predictably about not being able to raise her children properly while she and her sisters "single-handedly rid the world of demons." Cordelia cuts through the crap to remind them both that she is, in fact, a demon they can get rid of right away if they'd just stop blathering about pointless bullshit and get to work already. Piper tiredly passes Cordelia's list of conditions to the Dolt and orders him up to Whitelighterland to begin the negotiations. Cordelia stops him, though, with one additional demand -- "something only the [Ever-Useless] Elders can give, and it's a deal-breaker." Piper and the Dolt eye her warily. "I want to be made human," Cordelia announces. "What?" Piper squints. "Why in hell would a powerful demon want to be made human?" "'Hell' being the operative word," Cordelia retorts, "as in I live there, and it sucks." Piper's had it, and accuses Cordelia of scamming them all. "How do we have any proof?" Piper demands. Cordelia, anticipating the proof seconds before it arrives, pivots to face a darkened corner of the nonexistent attic just as a trio of demons squiggle in with Flaming Balls Of Death at the ready. The lead invader hurls his at Cordelia's head. For some reason, it effortlessly passes through the protective Crystical cage, and Cordelia's forced to dive to the floor to avoid it. The FBOD slams into the sofa as Charisma Carpenter's stunt double somersaults behind the furniture. The Dolt takes out the invaders with a few massive sprays of sporking electricity as Piper crouches beside her superficially wounded houseguest. "I can't believe I slept with that guy!" Cordelia pouts, referring to the lead invader. Heh. As Piper warns Cordelia to stay down, three more demons squiggle into the room. One hurls an FBOD at the Dolt, but he swivels in a dodge that clears a path for the thing straight through the main attic window. Meanwhile, down on the second floor, Phoebe races through the hall as Raige emerges from her boudoir in a tizzy. "How's it going in there?" Phoebe dims. "Not well with the demon interruptus," Raige snots as she and Phoebe clomp up the second flight of stairs to the nonexistent room above. Kerr emerges from the boudoir with his shirt unbuttoned, a pensive expression on his face, and you know what? I'm over him. Finally. Fuck off, Kerr Smith. And can you believe I have Charmed to thank for this newfound immunity to his supposed physical appeal? Charmed, people. I mean, I'm well aware of the contempt familiarity breeds, but ain't life a bitch? Anyway, speaking of bitches, Raige and Phoebe arrive in the attic just as Piper and the Dolt dispatch the remaining demons. The place is a wreck, with the door blown off its hinges and various scorched antiques littering the floor. "That proof enough for ya, sweetie?" Cordelia snaps, finally emerging from her hiding place. Piper rolls her eyes and flares her nostrils all the way into the commercial break.
Piper examines the shattered remains of an antique hobby horse and groans, "Well, I guess [Tiny Rash-Ridden Gay] Chris won't be using this." As she slings a bit of splintered wood to the floor, she gripes, "I've got to stop trying to keep anything nice in this house." Meanwhile, the Dolt gingerly pokes at Cordelia's wounded shoulder, eliciting a few instant gasps of pain and outrage. Raige, irked, petulantly perches on the arm of a chair and demands to know what's really going on. "Apparently, she's selling out all of her buddies," Piper explains, "so we're doing the witness protection thing." Mention is also made of the proposed deal to make Cordelia human once it's all over. Raige scoffs at the absurdity of this, leading Cordelia to concede, "I wouldn't actually have a soul, but I could live with that." "This is so weird," Phoebe sighs. "And also a waste of my time," Raige aggravates, leaping to her feet in thwarted fury, "because I was in the middle of -- something!" Piper suggests that, in order to get the Manor Morons on her side, Cordelia's going to have to give them a little bit of useful information. Cordelia ponders this for a second before admitting that, in addition to possessing "a little black book" with the names of every possible dark demonic force the gals could ever be interested in, she's also got the skinny on the Avatars. The shifty-eyed Dolt, quietly freaking, demands to know exactly what sort of information Cordelia has on the latter. Cordelia shoots him a shrewd look as Secretly INSANE Brody ambles into the room uninvited to demand the same thing. Cordelia evasively replies, "I know they're close -- closer than you think." "In fact," she adds with a smug smile plastered across her face, "they could be here any minute." Secretly INSANE Brody takes a long moment to process this, looking for all the world like he's about to go berserk and throttle the relevant facts out of her. Instead, he wipes impotently at his mouth and bolts from the room. Raige spins on her heel to chase after him as Phoebe calls for a processing summit. Piper, Phoebe, and the Dolt leave Cordelia alone in the attic. Cordelia pouts.