Episode Report Card Demian: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Witless Protection
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 10 | Aired on 11.27.2004
Not!warts. Long story short, Phoebe passes Cordelia's vision to the wary Elder Q who, despite what he sees, argues that it could still be a trick. Even if it is, Phoebe argues, it's not Cordelia's fault, as she's simply the messenger. The Elders must honor their agreement by passing over the spell. Elder Q eyes the Dolt, but we're led to believe he acquiesces. Not that it matters. Ooops! Spoiler! Uh. Again!
Manor. The Bulge Jockey completes her Orb of Shame, arriving in the upper hall in last night's cocktail dress just as Piper emerges from the Bridal Boudoir with a bag of cast-off clothing for Cordelia. Piper reveals that, through their shared power of premonition, Cordelia was able to show Phoebe her vision of the Avatars' future, and surprise, surprise, it seems pretty good. The Bulge Jockey, now under the thrall of Secretly INSANE Brody's Secretly Amazing Penis, snaps not a few nasty things before spinning on her heel to slam into her own bedroom to pack, her apparent intention being to move out of the Manor and in with her insane lunatic person boyfriend. Stupid bitch.
Up in the nonexistent attic, Cordelia delightedly -- despite the fact that she cannot feel joy, because this show sucks, and I want to die -- models some frilly, fuchsia thing that's totally wrong for her coloring. Piper enters, and after a bit of babbling about Cordelia's hopes and dreams, we learn the character's actual name is Kira, and yes, yes, very clever giving her the feminine form of Cyrus, which means "far-sighted." Shut up, Charmed. Kira dizzes around in front of the mirror for a bit more until an oddly solemn Phoebe lopes into the room. Piper notes with growing anxiety that the demon could attack at any moment. Phoebe suggests she head downstairs to fetch the Elder's spell from the Dolt, who's down there attempting to convince The Bulge Jockey to stay. Piper, sensing nothing out of the ordinary, complies and vanishes down the stairs. "You look really great," Phoebe notes, wandering around Cordelia for a bit. "You sure you don't mind me borrowing it?" Cordelia asks. "No, not at all," Phoebe allows before adding, "Although I'm more of a black kind of guy myself." Cordelia too slowly realizes something's more than a bit off as Phauxbe finishes, "I think it's a lot more appropriate for a funeral, don't you, Kira?" With that, Phauxbe snatches Cordelia up by the throat and morphs into Zankou. He's suavely threatening, she's perkily defiant, and I'm tired. Zankou eventually pushes her across the floor and unleashes a spray of those black buzzing things that envelops Cordelia just as the Dolt orbs in from Not!warts with the real Phoebe. Zankou flames out before they get a good look at his face, and Piper scurries back into the nonexistent room in time to watch Cordelia explode in a jet of flame. And not a second too soon, if you ask me, because those fucking screams of hers could cut glass.