Episode Report Card Demian: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Witless Protection
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 10 | Aired on 11.27.2004
Over at Straight Estates, Raige has better things to do than answer the quietly vibrating phone that spins unnoticed on the coffee table next to Brody's watch in the foreground of the shot. Namely, Brody himself. Yes, in the extremely out-of-focus background of this image, Raige is riding Secretly INSANE Brody like a goddamned jockey rounding the final curve at Pimlico with an uneasy hold on first place. She's also clearly fondling her own breasts, save for the bit near the very end where he reaches up to honk one of them for her. We endure a few of her breathy moans before we're struck blind by the utter inappropriateness and abject horror of it all. Or maybe we've just tumbled into the next commercial break.
Manor. Aftermath. No, not the aftermath of Raige Matthews, Bulge Jockey. The other aftermath. Phoebe and Cordelia chase the Dolt down the main stairs, past the blasted Portrait Of Shrill Contention that Piper obstinately rehung on the wall at some unseen point and at which the Dolt throws the briefest and most hilarious of double-takes. Hee. Very fun moment. Phoebe's frantically trying to convince the Dolt that they fetch Raige from Straight Estates "before Kyle puts her in a coma, too." The Dolt instead chides Phoebe for taking Cordelia out of the house as he arrives at the potion-laden dining room table. Phoebe retorts, "Well, I needed to find out if [Raige] was dating a madman and I did and she is, so please, [Dolt], you need to go get her." The Dolt snorts something about Cordelia's inherent untrustworthiness, leading to a threat from Cordelia herself to expose the Dolt's own "dirty little secret." Oh, ew, Cordelia. Don't go there. Cordelia and the Dolt stare each other down for a bit before the Dolt finally caves and agrees to fetch Piper from Not!warts so they can go after Raige together. After the Dolt orbs out, Phoebe and Cordelia -- now, apparently, best gal pals, or something -- rather easily chat with each other about the true nature of the Avatars, with Phoebe asking a lot of questions Cordelia refuses to answer until she at last acquires "the ability to feel." Phoebe, gathering the various potions in a pouch, proposes she and Cordelia dish about Hell's more prominent dark demonic forces instead.
And speaking of prominent dark demonic forces down in Hell, we join a trio of the formerly bickering demons as they enter a deep vault to release this Zankou person. The sorcerer who accompanies them to unlock the supernatural prison, incidentally, last appeared on this program as an ancient bit of spider chow. The old guy approaches some sort of fumarole rising from the center of the chamber, from which emerges a column of blue light within which a couple of hundred bee-like things buzz and hum. The old guy then, using his staff as a key, inserts its tip in a panel on the formation's side, chants a bit of Craptin I'll not be transcribing, and twists the staff around. The blue light winks out, and the swarming bee-like things race through the chamber in formation before whipping over to the far wall and coagulating into the form of Oded Fehr, whose various movies and television shows I have never, ever seen. No, seriously. The mere thought of Rob Schneider, Movie Star fills me with unfathomable rage, so no Deuce Bigalow for me. ["They're filming the SEQUEL to that right now. Kill me." -- Sars] The Mummy? Looked like crap on toast, and besides, Raiders Of The Lost Ark ruined me for action-adventure movies of that type a long time ago, anyway. Evil Nazis melting in the face of God's Eternal Wrath? How's a stupid mummy going to top that? And no one saw Texas Rangers or Presidio Med. Don't lie. You didn't watch that shit, either. So, since we already have his character's name thanks to the endless bits of demonic exposition earlier in the hour, I'll not be referring to him as Antoine or Ardeth or whatever. "Finally," Zankou breathes as the demons behind him arrange themselves in obsequious, bowing-and-scraping-type poses of obedience. "Too bad the Source isn't still alive," Zankou continues with a sneer. "I owe him for this." He then turns to the three demons and eyebrows, "One of you was against freeing me." The Goth chick out in front rashly confesses to her doubts, but because he likes her moxie, or something, Zankou suffers her to live. For now, I presume. He reveals he knows all about recent events despite his long incarceration and demands to know Cordelia's current location. Upon learning she's being protected by the Glamorous Ladies, he muses, "A legion won't get past the Charmed Ones, but a shapeshifter might." A dorky, sharp-nosed wimp steps forward and volunteers for the job. Zankou gets all chummy with the wimp for a minute before plunging his fist into the guy's chest. The wimp flares violently orange for the briefest of moments before his shapeshifting mojo shoots into Zankou's body, with the rest of him dissipating in a cloud of black smoke. "Now I'm one, too," Zankou smirks. He turns to appraise the surviving demonic duo, who cower in fear.
Straight Estates. Secretly INSANE Brody answers his door to find Piper and the Dolt standing in the hall. He invites them in as Raige Matthews, Bulge Jockey emerges from the bedroom beyond, clad only in Brody's white shirt from the previous evening. Piper looks as grossed out as I feel. You know that skank hasn't had a shower yet. "What's up?" the Bulge Jockey too casually greets them for one so scantily clad. "So much for breaking it to you before it's too late," Piper mutters. She begins to explain the Pepper Anderson situation, but finds she can't look the trampy Bulge Jockey in the eye, and so barks, "Tell her, [Dolt]." "Phoebe and [the Doormat] found [Pepper Anderson] in a mental institution," he quickly states. "She was in a coma, and we believe you," he adds, glaring at Secretly INSANE Brody, "put her there." "Yeah, I actually know," the Bulge Jockey shrugs, ambling over to the refrigerator to fetch a bottle of water, before crossing back to stand at Secretly INSANE Brody's side. "And you're okay with this?" Piper splutters. "He shot an innocent," the Dolt huffs. "With a trank dart," Secretly INSANE Brody reminds them. "That put her in a coma," Piper indignantly counters. The Bulge Jockey defends Secretly INSANE Brody's actions by reminding Piper that Pepper Anderson was on the verge of exposing them all, and you know what? I almost typed "Phoebe" instead of "The Bulge Jockey" there, because that's exactly who Raige is acting like at the moment. Brainless bimbo. YOUR BOYFRIEND IS AN INSANE LUNATIC PERSON WHO PUT A WOMAN IN A COMA, TRASH. I DON'T CARE HOW BIG IT IS. Stupid size queen. Secretly INSANE Brody hastily shoots out an explanation that isn't, promising that he'll rouse Pepper Anderson from her coma the moment the Avatar threat has passed. The Bulge Jockey argues that it's for the best, despite the fact that, as the Dolt indignantly notes, Pepper Anderson'll emerge from the whole experience "after losing a chunk of her life." "You of all people should understand sacrifice," she arrogantly condescends to Piper and the Dolt, and now Piper looks like she just threw up a little bit in her mouth and is having trouble gagging it back down. "Whatever's he's done is to help rid the world of evil," the Bulge Jockey continues. "It appears to me," the Dolt sniffs, indicating Secretly INSANE Brody, "that he's the evil, not the Avatars." Secretly INSANE Brody gets loud and invokes his slaughtered parents' sacred memory, so Piper attempts to defuse the situation by urging the Bulge Jockey to get dressed so they might return to the Manor to work through it together. "I'm not gonna go, Piper," the Bulge Jockey replies softly. "I'm staying here." "WITH THE LUNATIC INSANE PERSON WHO HAS A VERY LARGE PENIS, FOR THERE IS NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE THAN THAT," she neglects to add. In any event, even Secretly INSANE Brody seems somewhat taken aback by this, but then he possessively strokes her head, so fuck him. Piper's struck speechless and openly gapes at the Bulge Jockey's gall as the Dolt, sensing the wife's on the verge of blasting the Bulge Jockey's worthless, brainless ass to Mars, quickly orbs with her up through the ceiling. "That went swimmingly," the Bulge Jockey snots as Secretly INSANE Brody kisses her on the top of her head. Fuck both of you.
Back at the Manor, Phoebe's paging through the Book, pausing on each entry long enough to receive little pearls of wisdom from Cordelia like, "Furies: Toxic, emphasis on the 'ick.' They hate me," and "Oh, the Grimlocks -- emphasis on the 'grim.' Hate me." "So what I'm getting," Phoeb