Episode Report Card Demian: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Witless Protection
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 10 | Aired on 11.27.2004
As they trundle down the stairs to the second floor hall, Phoebe wonders why a force of evil would want to become human just as a greater force of evil is about to assume control of the planet. The Dolt too casually suggests that it might be because the Avatars are actually a force of good. "Is that possible?" Phoebe asks. Piper couldn't care less; she wants her house back and she wants her kids home, and so orders the Dolt upwards to strike a deal with his ever-useless brethren. Phoebe volunteers to remain with Cordelia. "Since we have similar powers," Phoebe reasons, "maybe I could tap into hers and find out what she really knows." "Good," Piper agrees, before pointing a finger at the Dolt and ordering, "Go." The gals disappear as the Dolt grimaces and sighs, "You've put me in an awkward position." His Avatar buddies flare into the Bridal Boudoir for a chat. The Dolt frets that Cordelia's so unpredictable that she could "out" him at any minute. Uniqua's certain the Dolt can prevent that from happening, and besides, what's at stake is far too important. "With her power," I'm Not Candy explains, advancing upon the Dolt, "she can literally show the sisters our future -- help them understand what we're offering in a way no one else can, not even you." The Avatars urge the Dolt to get Cordelia what she wants, and fast. The Dolt looks conflicted. And maybe a little annoyed. Oh, the hell with it. He looks constipated, just like he always does.
Hell and BORING! Demons carp. And...scene.
Manor. Up in the nonexistent attic, Phoebe enters to find Cordelia paging through a singed photo album -- an album filled, incidentally, with production photos that couldn't possibly have been taken by anyone within the world of the show, because in many of them, either everyone present is in the picture itself, or no one else was around at the time. Assy show. Whatever. It's simply a device to show how Cordelia longs for a human life, and an excuse for Phoebe to point out various family milestones while attempting to yank a premonition off Cordelia by casually touching the latter's hand and pressing against her shoulders and such. Cordelia -- who's already taken to stealing Phoebe's earrings, by the way -- knows what Phoebe's trying to do, however, and snarkily requests Phoebe to "press a little harder on that right shoulder." "After all," she smirks, "if you're not gonna get a premonition, you could at least work out that knot." "Can't blame a girl for trying!" Phoebe dorks as she edges away from unwanted houseguest, who faux-kindly commiserates that when she first started receiving premonitions herself, she too had to go through the ungodly hassle of touching people first. And then she perks, "Phone!" "Hmmm?" Phoebe eyebrows, not getting it. "Phone," Cordelia repeats, just before Phoebe's cell starts chirping in her pocket. Hee. God, Charisma Carpenter's such a bitch in this scene. No wonder she got fired. Anyway, it's the Doormat, but Phoebe quickly hangs up on him, citing more important matters at hand. Phoebe, changing tacks, notes, "Not that I'm okay with you stealing my stuff, but those earrings really do look amazing on you." Cordelia smiles slyly. "Then again," Phoebe continues, "what wouldn't?" "You know, sugar?" Cordelia condescends, calling Phoebe on her crap. "Much as I enjoy the flattery and the bonding and even the touching, you're not getting anything out of me until you make me human." "Okay, I get it," Phoebe concedes. "But what I don't get is why you want to be human. I mean, did the bad stuff just start to get to you after a while?" "No," Cordelia admits, "the good stuff did." She goes on to explain that centuries of foreseeing the happy and demonic outcomes of various situations left her longing for the former, despite the fact she "can't feel it." "Being a demon is about feeding the endless emptiness," she sighs, "and I'm sick of it." "I long for the...subtle notes in between," she concludes. "And the Avatars have something to do with that, right?" Phoebe gracelessly leads. Cordelia silently eyes her. "Right," Phoebe grunts, defeated. "Bargaining chip." Cordelia reminds Phoebe that she's not being difficult for the hell of it -- if she gives Phoebe what she wants, she won't get what she herself wants. Or something like that. God, I hate these endlessly talky scenes. Cordelia suddenly realizes that Phoebe remains doubtful Cordelia has any useful information to share. After a bit of thought, she offers to help Phoebe find Pepper Anderson instead. "If I find [The Best Policewoman In The History Of Forever] for you, then would you trust me?" she asks. Phoebe considers the offer with a spreading grin on her face, then reaches into her back pocket to retrieve the pen. Cordelia accepts it with a smile in kind.
Straight Estates. Secretly INSANE Brody frantically retrieves last week's metal case from its closet hiding place and explains the whole Avatar-killing potion deal to Raige. While he's not nearly as INSANE as he was the last time this scene unreeled, WE ALREADY KNOW ABOUT ALL OF THIS. Moving along! Raige and Brody eventually sit down on his bed, and, looking genuinely pained, he admits, "I've done some things I'm not too proud of." "We all have," Raige assures him, desperately needing to get in his pants. She caresses the back of his neck before drawing him closer for a kiss. The two mack as we cut over to...