Episode Report Card Demian: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Witless Protection
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 10 | Aired on 11.27.2004
Down in the kitchen, we get an over-the-soufflé, through-the-oven shot of Piper warning the Dolt not to make any loud noises before she straightens herself up and proceeds to berate him shrilly for his recent lapses in behavior. As she liberally peppers her tirade with the word "normal," I'll not be paying much attention to whatever it is that's coming out of her mouth at the moment. The Dolt splutters apologies and excuses, but Piper, not listening, peevishly crosses to retrieve the family portrait. She flips it around to shove it into his face, and we note that the Avatar's intervention has reduced the Dolt to a blur in the finished image. No, I'm not going to wonder how she already received a huge, professionally framed copy of the print when they just sat for the fucking thing, like, twenty minutes ago, because this show sucks, and I want to die. "But you know?" Piper passive-aggressively eyebrows. "I'm gonna hang it anyway. What the heck?" With that, she and the improbable portrait vanish into the dining room.
"I couldn't say no!" the Dolt protests, racing along after her. "It was important!" Piper pedebitches that Raige's "dinner date with Kyle" is of equal importance as she mounts the stairs to replace one of the old family portraits on the wall with the new photograph. She wants the Dolt to bathe the kids while she -- get this -- finishes cooking dinner for Raige and Secretly INSANE Brody. I think your stigmata are now visible from space, Piper. You martyr. The Dolt finally drops the Cordelia bomb, adding that the ever-useless Elders would be most grateful if the Glamorous Ladies would open the Manor to the imperiled demon for the next day or so. Piper, barely maintaining her composure at the news, shouts, "The answer is absolutely not, because this is how things spiral out of control!" She plows past him back towards the kitchen as the Dolt bumbles around helplessly on the landing.
Meanwhile, up in the main bathroom, Raige prepares for her date with an assist from the Feebs. She's squeezed herself into a sleeveless maroon cocktail gown with garish rhinestone accents at the neck that Phoebe quite rightly insists is inappropriate for an evening at home. Oh, dear God. Did I just agree with Phoebe on what constitutes appropriate evening wear? Hell! I am in Hell! "He's gonna walk in the door and want to throw you on the floor," Phoebe protests. Raige duhs that that's the whole idea, as she's horny and wants her some more of that bulge Secretly INSANE Brody's been packing in his pants. Raige crosses to the vanity to touch up her makeup as the two natter endlessly about Secretly INSANE Brody and his obsession with the Avatars and the chemistry he has with Raige and wah before Phoebe finally assures Raige, "This is gonna work out, because it's too good for it not to." It could happen. Not. Mark my words: Secretly INSANE Brody's going end up a mojo-scorched corpse just in time for Kerr Smith's nine-episode contract to expire. Raige and Phoebe smile at each other in the mirror before spinning out into the upper hall, with Phoebe still trying to get Raige to change into something a little more casual. "Enough with the green shirt!" Raige good-naturedly grunts. "You're right," a suddenly appearing Cordelia smiles. "He'll love what you have on." "Demon!" Phoebe panics, flapping her hands around in the air while cringing behind Raige. "No active power! Do something!" Now I'm convinced I'm typing this from amongst the damned, because that was sort of amusing. In any event, Raige, thinking as fast as her puny brain will allow, summons a mirror from the far end of the hall with her orbing telekinesis and sends it flying down the corridor towards Cordelia's head. Nice work by the effects department, by the way, in superimposing Charisma Carpenter's rapidly growing face on the mirror's surface as it sails ever closer to her during this sequence. Cordelia angles her torso back in the slightest of dodges that leaves the mirror shattered on the floorboards beyond. "Is that my bad luck or yours?" she casually snides as she saunters over to examine the shards of glass. Raige makes to brain Cordelia with a potted plant, but Cordelia scampers towards the main stairs, bellowing, "[Dolt]! A little help, please!" This unexpected mention of the Dolt's name grinds Phoebe and Raige to a befuddled halt. Granted, it doesn't take much at all to reduce these two Einsteins to quivering piles of befuddled perplexity, but still. "Did she just call for [the Dolt]?" Phoebe squints incredulously. Raige, no doubt convinced her appointment with Secretly INSANE Brody's bulge will have to be cancelled, silently yet furiously simmers at her sister's side for a moment before they both race towards the stairs as the camera cuts down to...
...the dining room, where Piper's seething, "There is a demon in the attic and you didn't tell me?" The Dolt mumbles something in response as Piper catches sight of Cordelia bouncing down the main stairs and hoots, "Good God!" Piper instinctively unleashes the mighty Hands of Discontent, but the Dolt impulsively and rather amusingly shoves her from behind, knocking her face-first into the foyer carpet. Heh. In the process, he's jostled her explosive mojo slightly off-course, and it blows past Cordelia's head to demolish the Portrait Of Shrill Contention that Piper'd just hung on the stairwell wall. Hee. Cordelia scampers the rest of the way down the stairs and cowers behind the manly Dolt for protection. Yeah, let's see how that works out for you, honey. Piper, outraged, slowly pushes herself to her feet to rip the Dolt a new one as Phoebe and Raige finally enter the scene from above. "That surly one?" Cordelia winces, pointing in Piper's direction. "That's your wife?" Hee. Raige exhorts Piper to detonate Cordelia in retribution for so wanton a display of demonic impertinence. Kidding. If Berkeley-educated Raige can't define the word "flogging," I'd hardly expect her to make proper use of the word "impertinence" in a sentence. Or "retribution." Or "wanton." Or "detonate," "display," "demonic," "for," "so," "in," "of," and "a." Moron. In any event, Piper prepares to redeploy the Hands, but the Dolt stops it all by insisting that the ever-useless Elders must have their reasons for wanting the Glamorous Ladies to protect a demon. Just then, the doorbell rings. Raige, knowing it's Secretly INSANE Brody, orders Cordelia back upstairs. As Cordelia passes by with Phoebe acting as escort, she assures Raige that while the dinner will be great, what follows will be even better -- nudge, nudge -- as long as Raige keeps Brody from eating the eggplant. "What's wrong with my eggplant?" Piper indignantly howls as Cordelia and Phoebe disappear upstairs. Heh. Raige finally answers the door to find Kerr Smith lounging all Smoove-B-like on the front porch with a dozen white roses in his hand and filthy promises of godless premarital fornication twinkling in his eyes.