Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Zodiac Killers
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.11.2006
Manor. Immediate aftermath. Phoebe comes clattering through the front door with Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake wrapped in a shawl for, as we shall shortly hear, she's managed to figure out that the thing exerts an odd influence over people if they touch it, which...yeah. Lo Pan and Piper should have figured that protective shawl thing out about a half an hour ago, but whatever. CANCELLED! Raige, meanwhile, confirms that she's apparently no longer under the staff's influence -- or Piper's personality's influence, or whatever's influence -- and guesses Pretty Pretty Novak knocked the errant mojo out of her when he shoved her to the floor. Yeah. Sure. We'll go with that, because CANCELLED! Phoebe quickly determines they must find Piper, and fast. She whips out her Blackberry to make the call as Raige rubs her battered neck again and the shot cuts over to...
...the Retarded Bimbo's hallucination, or whatever the hell it is. Chrissssty's gulping and gasping her way through a vague but horribly frightened description of her captors, and I have to admit: the girl they hired to play Chrissssty this evening is doing a lovely job conveying the character's abject terror and whatnot, but, you know. It's Chrissssty and the Retard. Who the fuck cares? Besides Brad Kern, of course. Pervert. And let's face it, the child actress is playing all of this opposite the typically slack-jawed and vacant-eyed Kaley Cuoco, so this kid doesn't exactly have to be a preadolescent Zoe Caldwell to seem preternaturally gifted by comparison. Stupid Bimbo.
Anyway, during the lengthy scene that follows, we learn that Chrissssty's unaware of her powers, and that the demons who kidnapped her have forced her to wear a pendant patterned after the same doodle the Bimbo found in Chrissssty's diary. Seems all of the demons in this particular tribe sport the symbol as a means of identification, or something. When the demons in question start grumbling amongst themselves immediately outside the cell's door, Chrissssty panics herself back into the shadowy niche from which she initially emerged as the Bimbo screams repeatedly for Lo Pan to rescue them. The screaming, alas, serves only to transport the Bimbo back to The Stupid Garden, where Maggot Neck immediately fires question after question at Sensei Retard. "I don't understand at all," she states at one point -- like, huge surprise there. "She was a kid, barely older than when she was taken." "She was vulnerable and open to you," Sensei Retard replies. "That's why your power took you to that time, before she changed." Is that a DUN!? I guess we can take that as a DUN!, especially because the next episode is entitled -- and I shit you not -- "The Last Temptation Of Christy." Still, it's a pretty piss-poor DUN!, if you ask me, and I've certainly seen my share of DUN!s over the last six years. This stupid show. They really should have given it the axe last season. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. Maggot Neck's a bit surprised to realize she's still holding onto Chrissssty's demonic pendant, but Sensei Retard assures her that it means, uh -- it means.... No, seriously, I can figure this one out on my own -- it means that she'll be able to help her sister after she helps him restore the Eternal Chinese Zodiac Cycle Of Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake to health again, right? Sure. We'll go with that. And...scene.
Elsewhere in the city, Piper's changing her tire while assuring The Dead-Eyed Psycho via her cell phone that she'll be joining him and his younger and eventually far-prettier brother at The Cetacean Institute in Sausalito within the hour. In the middle of the night. No, I am not kidding with that, though Lord, how I wish I were. Pretty Pretty Novak pops up behind her to suggest that she might want to rethink those plans. Piper's all, "D'oh!"