Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Zodiac Killers
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.11.2006
...The Sacred Garden that certain demons who need to play in traffic would have us believe is so difficult to find. The women scurry down a small set of steps just behind Lo Pan and goggle at the battle already in progress between the staff-toting Kentucky Fried Chicken and Novak's minions. KFC manages to repel a few Flaming Balls Of Death, but one eventually plows straight into his chest, hurling him backwards through the air to land face-down in a lily-bedecked pool of water. Novak smirks adorably and ambles towards the ivory serpent, which fell to the grass in the middle of the struggle. "Don't let him get the staff!" Lo Pan cries, so the Bimbo flicks a little telekinetic energy at the thing to send it skittering to the opposite end of the clearing. "Your turn!" Maggot Neck perks in Piper's direction, so Piper unleashes the Mighty Hands Of Discontent. Fortunately for those of us eager to keep the eye-candy around for the rest of this godforsaken episode at the very least, Piper's three blasts of explosive mojo burst harmlessly on Novak's shoulders before he and his henchdemons beat a strategic retreat by squiggling the hell out of there. Lo Pan rushes to Kentucky Fried Chicken's side, but it's too late. The very much dead KFC glows white before dissolving into thousands of tiny white lights that vanish upwards. "This has never happened before," whispers Lo Pan, alarmed. "A Zodiac, dying?" He lifts his eyes to Piper's and concludes, "It's now on you to protect the staff." Piper's face slides through astonishment and annoyance before settling into one of her patented "Oh, crap!" expressions just before she and the lispy Retard fall into the first commercial break.
"Look, mister," Piper exasperates upon our return, "no offense, but I'm just trying to save my husband. Not some stick." Hee. "This is not a stick," Lo Pan testily corrects her, getting his undies in a wad in the process. "It is Buddha's mystical staff," he continues, and the dirty-minded twelve-year-old inside of me starts giggling like a madman at that, and God knows how Clyde Kusatsu delivered that line with a straight face, but lets keep this moving, shall we? "It must be passed to the next Zodiac at the New Year," Lo Pan warns, "or the Eternal Cycle ends." "Before we hit Expossssition Ssssity here," the Bimbo interrupts, "what'ssss with the laundry on the outsssside and thissss crazssssy green plasssse on the insssside?" and shut up with the "before we hit Exposition City" bullshit, Retard, because that question of yours just tossed us into the locality in question. Idiot. Long story short, Lo Pan's family's been guarding The Sacred Garden for centuries, but now that Novak's managed to off one of the Zodiacs, the whole set-up's in danger of collapsing, raining death and destruction upon the world as a result, or whatever. Piper's to safeguard Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake until the New Year ceremony can take place that evening at midnight. However, she must "be of clear mind so as not to unduly influence" those around her with her personality. This might easily happen because Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake amplifies the character traits of the entity who possesses it, which is why, for example, everyone born in The Year Of The Tiger is vain, quarrelsome, overly aggressive, and utterly lacking in foresight. Right, Bimbo? I'm totally guessing here, by the way, because they never really explain it fully on the show. Not that I care, mind you, but whatever. In any event, the Retard's to remain in The Sacred Garden with Lo Pan to make some sense out of Novak's previous attacks, and also to annoy every single living being in this and all other galaxies with her asinine subplot of the evening. Ooops. Spoiler, again! Incidentally, Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake has not only been hanging in mid-air during all of this, it's also been subtly undulating in a very special and senseless effect. Just thought you'd like to know. Piper eyes Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake with wary impatience for a moment before snatching it out of the air.