Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Zodiac Killers
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.11.2006
The Secret Garden, and I so don't care about any of this bullshit, either, especially as it involves yet another power advance for the Retarded Bimbo. Assholes. Long story short, Lo Pan goes all Retard Sensei on the Bimbo's oddly proportioned ass and gets her to channel her projection power appropriately enough to revivify a dying tree. The Bimbo's overly glossed lips are way stoked. Zip it, Maggot Neck.
Meanwhile, back at the Manor, Piper, apparently having heard some noise, descends the main stairs to call into the seemingly empty foyer, "Hello?" Receiving no response, she turns to head back up to the second floor when the zing of an off-screen magical transportation system assaults her ears, followed by Doberman barking, "The staff belongs to us!" "And you would be?" inquires Piper far too politely -- and far too stupidly, like, Piper. Hon. Chinese Zodiac. It's printed on the front of his goddamned robe. Get a frigging grip, woman. Doberman introduces himself as four of his brethren materialize beside him. As Piper tentatively clears her throat and nervously tosses Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake from one hand to the other, Doberman steps forward with arms outstretched to demand, "The staff, or your life." Piper blinks a bit and flips her glossy mane of hair around into the next commercial break.
Back from the break, Doberman makes some more threatening noises until Piper finally waves a hand around in the air all, "Look, there's nothing I'd love better than to get rid of this thing." Unfortunately, before she can finish her thought, Doberman takes to the air on a suddenly appearing cloud of mojo and shoots up the lower stairs with fist extended to sock Piper in the jaw. Piper thinks fast and far too amusingly deploys Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake as a baseball bat to knock Doberman out of his mojo cloud and into a rather graceless slide across the foyer floor on his ass. "Kill her!" he screams, so his fellow signs erect their pink mojo barrier from the top of the hour, because why? That's right: Every single person on this show is a fucking moron. Piper flicks her wrist a couple of times to unleash a Hand, but it has no effect against the shimmery bubble. She finally gives up and lays it on the line for the intruders: "How would you guys like [Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake] in pieces? One for each of you?" Doberman silently freaks.
Over in The Stupid Garden, Sensei Retard coaches the lispy Bimbo into a hallucination of missssssssing Chrissssty'ssss ssssecret location. Well, it's not so much a hallucination as it is the Retard bending the space/time continuum with her superspecial superfabulous new thought power to propel herself into the past. I'm pretty sure. I think. Oh, fuck it. In all honesty, I switched back to Turin at this point the first time this aired, and I am in no way inclined to puzzle it all out now, because I hate this character and I hate this character's ssssisssster and none of this matters anyway because THIS SHOW IS SO CANCELLED. CANCELLED, DO YOU HEAR ME? The Retard presently opens her eyes to find herself in a dank, dark Underworld cavern. After screeching for Lo Pan for a while, she finally shuts up long enough to realize there's someone else in the chamber with her. It's Chrissssty, but she appears to be about the same age she was the night she was abducted. When it wassss raining outsssside. "Unbelievable," murmurs the Bimbo. No, asshole, unbelievable is Shani Davis bailing on the Mens' Speed Skating Team Pursuit at the last minute and then pulling that obliviously self-destructive "it's all about me" bullshit at a press conference afterwards. Unbelievable is that not only is Half-Pipe an Olympic sport, but also that it's apparently judged on "artistic merit," as if any of those snowboarding potheads had a single artistic bone in their bodies. Unbelievable is that some people still think Johnny Weir is straight. This subplot of yours, on the other hand? Is just fucking annoying.