Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Zodiac Killers
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.11.2006
Not!warts. Dimwitted Magnus insists they call off their scheduled attack, but Novak -- who really knows how to work the sharply tailored calf-length coats, by the way -- smacks this ridiculous idea down by reminding everyone that "unprecedented progress" has already been made this time around, what with the dead Zodiac and Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake falling into non-sacred hands for the first time ever. All the demons need do is broadcast this news throughout the magical world. The remaining Zodiacs will, in turn, emerge from hiding to retrieve the Mystical Trouser Snake, and when the demons resume tracking the Zodiacs, the Zodiacs will lead them directly to the staff. Simple, yes? Though, you know, you'd think Novak and his henchdemons would have recognized Piper, what with her being the leader of the superwonderful Charmed Ones and everything, and so would simply charge the Manor now instead of waiting for the stupid Zodiacs to lead the way, but again: I'm actually watching the Olympics, so whatever. Speaking of which, you know I'm all for athletic excellence being paramount and whatnot, but would it kill those goddamned snowboarders to moisturize every once in a while? I keep expecting their horribly chapped lips to burst open and spray the cameras with blood. Carmex, people. Look into it. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Novak smiles as the screen flares white once more to zap us back to...
...the Manor, where we join Raige's pointless subplot already in progress. Raige leads Darling Henry through the foyer and onto the sun porch, all the while babbling about their relationship and his supposed problems with the magical world, and then proceeds to humiliate him by having him perch his adorably gangly six-foot-something frame on one of The Dead-Eyed Psycho's weeny little kindergarten chairs while she draws stick figures of axe murderers and demons on a handy pad and patronizingly explains the difference between the two, and while Ivan Sergei is being his usual lovable self during all of this, the dialogue's so choppy and nonsensical and poorly written, and Berkeley-educated Raige should be able to explain the situation far more succinctly, that I totally don't care about any of this. The upshot of it all is that Darling Hank still doesn't understand why Raige and her sisters don't use their powers to vanquish poverty. Yawn. He exits to answer his cell just as Piper enters with Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake. Because Piper is never of clear mind, ever, the stick immediately amplifies her inherent stubbornness and obstinacy (she's an Ox, you'll recall) to emit a stream of red mojo that floods Raige's body. Neither Glamorous Lady makes note of this, of course, because everyone on this show is a drooling idiot. Raige instantly adopts Piper's, uh, single-minded sense of purpose, and bails to "help Henry," despite the fact that Darling Henry's in no sort of trouble at the moment, because this show is ass, and I want to die. Piper, outraged, splutters and babbles to herself for a moment before shooting a death glare at Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake and snarling, "What are you looking at?" Heh.