Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Zodiac Killers
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.11.2006
In any event, Piper whatevers that she herself has precious little time to watch anything, anyway, what with the kids (who are evidently visiting George and Gracie at The Cetacean Institute in Sausalito with their grandfather, just FYI) and the nightclub and the housekeeping and -- oh, yeah -- that massive Doltsicle of a husband of hers that she's determined to retrieve from The Angel Of Teasley's great big Sub-Zero in the sky if it's the last thing she does, dammit, and which you have yet to left a finger to help her on, PHOEBE. God, I hate her. ANY-way, Piper's been "magically divining" for some leads on the Doltsicle issue -- thus, the smoky potions pot -- but it hasn't been working, for whatever reason. Phoebe offers her assistance, but Piper orders Phoebe to her new digs thusly: "No buts! I gave the same speech to [Raige] -- this is not your burden to bear. It's mine." The Angel Of Teasley instantly arrives in the nonexistent attic upon a burst of glowy golden mojo to beat both of these idiots senseless while screaming, "What part of 'there's one more battle on the horizon for you three, one unlike you've ever faced before, one you won't see coming, and one you may not survive' did you ignorant bitches not understand? ALL THREE OF YOU ARE IN THIS TOGETHER, YOU ASSHOLES." And with that, The Angel Of Teasley disappears once more to shoot spiteful spitballs at the gargoyle-faced man-pop who's been hogging all the space in her walk-in freezer for the last three months. Or maybe that all happened in my head, and what actually happens is that Piper and Phoebe banter with each other for a lengthy period of time before turning to head back downstairs, in the process just missing a sudden eruption from the potions pot. The camera, however, has coyly lingered in the nonexistent room, and now pans down into the thing to reveal that the Chinese character for "eternity" has blazed itself into existence on the surface of the mix at the bottom of the bowl. Eternity wavers on the screen for a moment before vanishing into the opening credits.
The camera pulls a slow pan up the front of the GOLDEN PARK apartment building and lands on the balcony of the penthouse before cutting inside what DiePhoebeDie and payndz have mutually christened "The Hagquarters," where the hag of the household herself hangs a picture on the bedroom wall before crossing through the massive living room to answer the doorbell. It's the Retarded Bimbo with a housewarming plant, and you can insert your own joke about which of these two arrivals has the higher IQ, because Maggot Neck is sporting a pair of low-riders that are exposing far too much of her lower abdomen for my taste AND she's got a horrific set of stringy, bleached-out bangs dangling in her vacant eyes, and I hate her, and I want to die. The lispy Retard instantly makes herself at home, despite Phoebe's none-too-subtle hints that she'd like to be left alone for a while, and the unfunniness that follows lasts about three years before the Retard finally gets the message and skedaddles back to the Manor to assist Piper with the divining and such, in the process revealing a tattoo on her lower back that I never needed to know about, and thanks for absolutely nothing, RETARD. Just as Phoebe shuts the door behind the lispy abomination, Raige orbs unannounced into The Hagquarters's living room, eliciting near ultrasonic howls of anger and dismay from the Feebs. "You told me I could stop by any time!" Raige protests. "I meant like a normal person!" Phoebe yowls. "You know, like knock first!" Raige snippily disappears on a shrieking orb cloud, rematerializes in the hallway outside, knocks, reenters The Hagquarters when Phoebe opens the door, and launches herself into a dizzy explanation of her Issue Of The Week, which involves Darling Henry and his apparently troubling delayed reaction to her bitchcraft bomb. Long story short, Darling Hank's wondering why the Manor Morons don't use their powers to, say, solve the ongoing crisis in the Middle East or end world hunger or whatever -- "valid" concerns, according to Raige, but ones she finds herself incapable of addressing. "Just be patient with him," Phoebe counsels, "and maybe try not to explain it from a magical perspective -- you know, try to use terms that he understands. Keep it simple." Raige gets a crafty look in her eye and twitches her moustache, so you know her subplot's going to suck tonight, and shouldn't we all be watching the Olympics anyway? Poor Apolo. Bode can suck it, though. In any event, Raige orbs on out of there just as Phoebe's doorbell rings once more. It's some marble-mouthed himbo who looks like he's all of eighteen years old, there to "RSVP for the housewarming party." As Phoebe's panties flood, the screen flares white to dump us in...