Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Zodiac Killers
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.11.2006
...Not!warts, where a short, shorn-headed gent leads a team of eight henchdemons as they lug a rough-hewn sarcophagus into the hated school's library, where they place the faux-stone coffin upon the faux-marble flooring. A couple of the henchdemons manfully struggle with the lid, eventually sliding it aside to reveal Novak lying inside the thing in an apparent state of suspended animation, and my, but Julian Ovenden's a pretty, pretty man. The shorn-headed gent, whom the Internet Movie Database identifies as "Magnus," intones, "It's time," so Novak opens his eyes and squiggles out of the sarcophagus to settle his fine self upon one of the library's sofas. Casually propping his feet up on the coffee table and somewhat dismissive of his surroundings, he wonders, "And...where am I?" Heh. He receives the expected and tiresome response, along with a truckload of exposition from Magnus.
Basically, Novak and his henchdemons go up against the "Zodiacs" every year in an attempt to gain control of the ivory serpent, and every year, Novak's failed, despite conserving all of his energy for the battle by entombing himself in that sarcophagus. Just go with it. Also, the battle always takes place right before the staff's "hand-off," which, as you've likely guessed by now, occurs on Chinese New Year's, when the current year's expiring sign passes the serpent to the next sign in the cycle. To that end, Novak asks if Magnus has been tracking Kentucky Fried Chicken, because this episode is apparently taking place on January 29th, despite the fact that everyone celebrated The Dead-Eyed Psycho's February 2nd birthday four weeks ago. I hate this show, but that's not terribly important at this moment. No, what is important is that in his response to Novak's question, Magnus manages to shit all over this episode's internal continuity, because this show sucks, and I want to die. Magnus has cunningly been tracking "Lo Pan" (which, groan, though it is also a nod to former guest star James Hong) instead, you see, as Lo Pan -- despite being "some lowly servant" of the Zodiacs' -- "is responsible for where the hand-off occurs." "He alone knows the location of The Sacred Garden," Magnus insists, and shut up, Magnus, because no, he's not alone in knowing the location of the Sacred Garden as the very first scene of the episode showed all of us a mere eight minutes ago, and drop dead, and fuck you, and drop dead some more, and eat shit and die, and fall off a cliff, and drop dead some more, again, and God, I hate this show. In any event, Novak and the henchdemons are supposed to trail Lo Pan to The Sacred Garden, or something, and lie in wait for Kentucky Fried Chicken, who'll be the first Zodiac to show up, which Novak should already know, because Novak's been pursuing this particular goal of his for "decades," and I can't think about this stupid shit any more because I'm about to stroke out in anger and frustration, so I'll just watch as pretty, pretty Julian Ovenden and his crispily gelled hair smile for a bit until the screen flares white once more to whisk us back over to...