Episode Report Card Demian: F | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Jesus Is Just Alright With Me
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 20 | Aired on 05.07.2005
Up in the second-floor hallway, Boring Jesus enthusiastically greets his befuddled Dolt of a father, who's toting poor, doomed Tiny Gay Chris around for some reason or another. Boring Jesus makes mention of a marble he'll attempt to shove down Tiny Gay Chris's windpipe at some point in the near future, prompting Phoebe to remind him that they'll be having none of that future talk for the remainder of Boring Jesus's sojourn in 2005, as foreknowledge can be dangerous. Except when it comes to your stupid daughter, right, trash? Don't worry. You good people will know what I'm talking about soon enough. Boring Jesus powers past his still-clueless dad towards Prue Memorial, where he's more than a little surprised to find Vicus assuring his younger self, "If you let me see [Crusty Ted], I will give him right back -- I promise." "Hey," Boring Jesus opens, much to Vicus's consternation, "don't I know you? You look familiar." "You can see me?" Vicus demands. "Of course I can," Boring Jesus duhs as Piper calls to him from the hall outside. Vicus quickly dematerializes just as Piper enters, wondering, "Who are you talking to?" "Th-that man," Boring Jesus stammers. "You didn't see him? He was just there, talking to...me." "You or him?" the Dolt asks, nodding towards the Psycho. "Both," Boring Jesus blinks. Tiny Gay Chris, perched on one of Piper's hips, gargles excitedly while leaning across his mother's body and waving his hand around in a futile attempt to vanquish his skanky aunt. Silly Chris. You don't have molecular manipulation. God love you for trying, though.
Hell. Chatty scene between Vicus and Hugo, wherein it becomes ever more apparent that poor Hugo's not a big fan of his boss's current plot against the Manor Morons. It's also apparent that Hugo's not nearly as familiar with the logistics of time travel as Vicus is. You see, Vicus realizes that Boring Jesus is the Psycho's adult version, and believes Boring Jesus's presence offers them all an unprecedented opportunity. Hugo doesn't get it, because Boring Jesus' very existence must prove that Vicus failed to turn the Psycho to the Dark Side. Hugo, doll, if you'd been tuning in as the rest of us have for the last seven godforsaken years, you'd know that even the slightest alteration in the past will ripple forward through time to affect the future, even if both the past event and the future result exist at the same time in the present. What? It made sense in my head. Leave me alone. Vicus -- who apparently did manage to catch "Cat House," at least in reruns on TNT -- orders Hugo to storm the Manor with a few of the other members of the Collective to distract the Glamorous Ladies, as he intends "to get the boy to give [him] that bear." "With it, I'll finally turn him," Vicus explains, "and then I'll watch the future change before my very eyes." Muah ha ha ha hazzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, and look at that! Another commercial break!
No, seriously: Snore. Nothing against Marcus Chait or Billy Kay, as they're both offering the audience some decent work as tonight's guest demons, but let's face it. We all know they're going to be dead by the fifty-minute mark if not sooner, and their brilliant plan will end a shambles, so why should we care? It would have been far more compelling for Zankou to be the author of this evening's hijinks, as it would both raise the stakes for the Glamorous Ladies and tie in well with the supposed season-ending story arc they've been building since the late Avatar debacle. As it is, tonight's is a vaguely interesting story ruined by its rotten execution. Go figure. Like we've never seen that before around here.