Episode Report Card Demian: F | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Jesus Is Just Alright With Me
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 20 | Aired on 05.07.2005
Out at the foot of the stairs, the neglectful asshole glances atticwards and frets. You deserve all the hatred your future sons hold for you, Dolt.
Nonexistent Attic. Piper's mighty Hands prove ineffective on this group of invaders, and she actually finds herself flat on her ass when Hugo skillfully wraps the business end of one of his whips around her ankles and yanks. Those things are wicked cool. Why haven't we seen anything like them before? Over in another corner of the nonexistent room, Phoebe cowers behind a table until Hugo's male companion spots her and blasts her with a Flaming Ball Of You Will Plow Fun Bags First Halfway Across The Floor To Land In A Heap In The Corner, You Badly Dressed And Bony Hag. Boring Jesus emerges from the shadows at this point and growls, "Enough!" in an unnaturally deep and overly processed voice before returning to his normal register to add, "Leave my family alone!" With that, he thrusts his hands in the intruders' direction, setting off a wall of orange mojo that blasts through the room, instantly vaporizing Hugo and his friends in a wave of energy that also sends various unsecured attic items crashing into the windows on the far side of the room. "Everything all right up there?" the Dolt bellows from below. "Oh, yeah, we're fine!" Piper sings, openly gaping at her scary freak of a son before shooting a terrified glance over at the decidedly nonplussed Feebs.
Down on the main floor, the Dolt saunters back into the kitchen just in time to catch Crusty Ted floating through the air, seemingly of its own accord. The Dolt realizes something has gone horribly wrong when the bear glows red before wafting back into the Psycho's arms. "Don't touch it!" he shouts, but it's too late. Vicus's evil mojo transfers into the Psycho's body the instant the kid's fingers brush against Crusty Ted's matted and befouled fur. Boring Jesus orbs in from the nonexistent attic at this point, and Vicus gets a giddily anticipatory smirk on his face as Boring Jesus wonders what gives. Before the Dolt can answer, however, Boring Jesus finds himself assaulted by a painfully slow morphing effect that demonstrates exactly how low-budget this show can be at times while rendering Boring Jesus into his Mangy form, complete with tight black t-shirt, that straggly long wig with those cunning blond highlights, and a ludicrous false goatee they've indifferently taped to his upper lip and chin. Mangy Jesus glares at Vicus and spits, "Who are you?" "Who are you talking to?" the just-arrived Piper wonders. "The demon," the Dolt whimpers dimly. The demon in question smiles, "Follow me," and Cheshires his way out of the kitchen. Mangy erupts in a geyser of black orbs that quickly dissipate, leaving his parents and skank aunt to glance uneasily at the smaller version of his psychotic self.
Hell. Mangy Jesus stalks through Vicus's chamber, making some very familiar-sounding remarks about "oppressive morality." He's also returned to that vaguely English accent he had the last time we saw him, thus completing the demonic trifecta of black clothing, asinine facial hair, and wicked Britishness. Mangy Jesus and Vicus discuss the next steps in their plan for world domination, with Vicus more than a little worried that the Manor Morons will attempt to restore Mangy to his Boring form. "We must attack them before they do," Vicus proposes. "No!" Mangy sharply corrects. "I know them all too well -- it's too risky to fight them at the Manor, but here we'll have the advantage, because we'll be waiting for them." "You would kill your own family?" Vicus whispers, somewhat amazed. "Watch me," Wes Ramsey's fake goatee articulates carefully before disappearing into the next commercial break. I'd normally give that a DUN!, but because the line was delivered by a cheap-ass chin wig, it somewhat lost, oh, nearly all of its intended effect. Stupid show.