Episode Report Card Demian: F | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Jesus Is Just Alright With Me
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 20 | Aired on 05.07.2005
"Are you telling me our child is evil, again?" Piper bites out as the dead-eyed Psycho gnaws ominously on his index finger. All the Dolt knows, he explains, is that Mangy Jesus appeared after the invisible demon "cursed" Crusty Ted. "So we have to get it away from him," Phoebe doofs, gingerly picking her way across the kitchen floor to pluck the thing from the Psycho's arm. The Psycho promptly and obstinately snatches Crusty Ted back with his orbing telekinesis while sucking on his Satanically pointy teeth as if to say, "Try that again, you bitch, and those implants of yours are going straight up your goddamned nose." The Manor Morons bang their weeny little brains together to construct the following plan: Piper and the Dolt are to head for Not!warts with the Psycho and the Book of Shadows, in the hope that they'll find some way to remove the curse from Crusty Ted. Phoebe and Raige, meanwhile, will seek out and destroy Vicus, the idea being that the curse will reverse itself once the demon responsible has been vanquished. Tiny Gay Chris, meanwhile, is apparently meant to linger there in the kitchen in his hand-me-down product-placed playpen until he starves to death. Bastards. "And if neither one of [your options] works?" Piper asks. "Then we're screwed," Phoebe shrugs in response. The wizened Dolt sulks while cuddling with the Psycho, who clearly couldn't give a rat's ass whether his massive ass of a father lives or dies.
Nonexistent Attic. Phoebe scoops from the carpet the cremated remains of one of the human beings her nephew immolated not five minutes ago and dumps them into a small brass bowl. She then grinds the scrying crystal into the ash and begins twirling the thing above a map of the city, all the while explaining the plan we just heard her come up with in the previous scene, while Raige futzes around with a potion in the background. The crystal eventually plants itself on a set of coordinates, and Phoebe orders Raige to prepare the vanquishing vials.
Not!warts and boring! The central message of the scene that follows between Piper and the Dolt? Curses are hard! No, seriously, you guys -- they totally are! And...scene. This show blows. And yet, improbably, it lives on and on and on. I want to die.
Hell. Mangy Jesus and Vicus natter about the impending battle with the Manor Morons while Mangy uses his supernatural Lo-Jack to track his trampy aunts' current location. Mangy reminds Vicus he need not worry about any threat from Phoebe and Raige as long as he remains cloaked, then gets a wicked glint in his eye as he announces the ladies' imminent arrival. Vicus steps off to the side as Raige orbs in with the Feebs to confront her nephew. After the three exchange some terse remarks, the Manor bimbos start flinging vanquishing vials blindly around the chamber, foolishly believing one of them will inadvertently land near enough to Vicus's invisible form to send him on his merrily blazing way to The Waste Land. Mangy Jesus bides his time patiently enough until they've thus expended their energies, then raises a hand in Vicus's direction, emitting a white burst of energy from his palm that wavers around Vicus for a moment before stripping away the latter's shield. "What are you doing?" Vicus spits in abject terror. "Making a point," Mangy Jesus coolly replies. "Go ahead," he adds, turning to his aunts. "Vanquish him." Raige propels a vial into Vicus's chest, and yet another demon of the week disappears in gouts of flame. Shame, really. He wasn't that bad-looking. "So you thought you'd change me back, did you?" Mangy smirks, advancing upon the brutally dimwitted skank and the unfortunately hairy bulge jockey. "Why didn't that work?" Phoebe hisses frantically at Raige. "Because I'm not under any spell," Mangy helpfully explains, "and you can't change me back simply by vanquishing Vicus." "He still got to me," Mangy adds with a self-satisfied and expansive sweep of his arms, "and this is how evil grows over the years." Mangy then summons the remaining members of Vicus's collective and sics them on his aunts, but not before telekinetically flipping Phoebe to the opposite end of the chamber from Raige, the better to, um, hinder the two from orbing out of there somehow, I suppose. Whatever. And you can tell how disengaged I've become from this evening's events when I gloss over so spectacular an example of Phoebe abuse. Yawn. Mangy Jesus darklights out of there as Vicus's underlings advance upon the Ps.