Episode Report Card Demian: F | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Jesus Is Just Alright With Me
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 20 | Aired on 05.07.2005
Manor. Sun Porch. Aftermath again, some more. Phoebe and Raige have somehow managed to escape Vicus's brood with little more than a scratch on Phoebe's arm. Don't bother asking how they pulled that one off, because you're never going get an answer. Piper, meanwhile, has been scrying for Mangy Jesus's current location, and soon enough, the crystal plonks down on a set of coordinates. Piper proposes they orb over immediately, much to the baying objections of her husband and her sisters, who in the end prevail, despite Piper's assertion that she "can't just sit by and watch [her] son corrupt himself," which doesn't sound sick, perverse, twisted, and wrong at all, now, does it? Long story short, the Dolt determines that their best course of action is to lure Mangy Jesus into a Manor-based trap, using the Book of Shadows as bait. As the Dolt's certain Mangy will want to avoid a direct confrontation with any of the Glamorous Ladies, he'll remain in the house alone. Once Mangy arrives with the Psycho in tow, the Dolt will somehow persuade the fanged, bemulleted troll to surrender Crusty Ted, thereby breaking Vicus's curse. Just go with it. Piper, naturally, objects, as the Dolt lacks even the most basic magical abilities with which to protect himself against Mangy Jesus's wrath. "I may not have any powers, but I'm not powerless," the Dolt argues. Could've fooled me, chump. "I'm his father," the Dolt continues, ignoring me, "he's not gonna hurt me." "No?" Phoebe blares, rudely and -- as we shall shortly see -- stupidly inserting herself into the debate. "Ever read Hamlet?" Shut up, Phoebe. The Dolt reminds Phoebe that Claudius was Hamlet's stepfather. "Close enough!" Phoebe insists. "Freud says that..." "Woman!" Piper interrupts. "CAN IT!" Hooray! Piper reluctantly agrees with the Dolt's plan and rises to orb off with her sisters after urging the Dolt to be careful. Once the ladies have vanished through the ceiling, the Dolt lifts the Book from the sun porch's table and stands there all resolute and iron-jawed and steely-eyed and stupid.
Nonexistent Attic. The Book rests on its stand as Mangy Jesus darklights onto the carpet beyond with the Psycho and Crusty Ted. Mangy instructs his younger self to fetch the Book just as the Dolt emerges from the shadows, and oh, my God! Do these people never stop talking? That's all this scene is -- some endless, wearying debate on...I don't even fucking know at this point anymore. The nature of paternal love? Filial loyalty? I DO NOT CARE. And it's not that I have a problem with chatty dialogue in general. In fact, Edward Albee is one of my favorite playwrights, and Lord knows his characters are absolutely incapable of shutting their incessantly flapping yaps. But those people are drunk and hurling insults at each other. In short: Entertaining! This overly earnest pap about the Dolt being there when the Psycho was born and giving up his powers for him and trying to change the world for him? Is just making me fucking gag. Shut up, Dolt. And you can just shove those guilty tears right up your ass, Mangy Jesus. And would someone PLEASE get the fucking Psycho a fucking haircut already? GAH.