Episode Report Card Demian: C- | 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT We'll have an old-fashioned wedding.
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 15 | Aired on 2002.03.14
An Impressive Clergyman nods to the quartet, and the opening bars to "The Wedding March" float out from the balcony as Phoebe enters on Daddy Dearest's arm. The Phoebangs are evil and must be destroyed. Interminable shots of a cautious Sole, an overjoyed Piper, and various anonymous kvelling guests follow as InvisiRaige slides an armless upholstered chair in front of the Font Of Baptisms, Hair Care, And Spaghetti -- Lots Of Oregano to witness the service from the back of the church. Apparently, InvisiRaige is as naked as InvisiPhoebe was earlier, so see the above comment regarding ScotchGard. Actually, now that we're all intimately familiar with Raige's personal hygiene habits, forget the ScotchGard and let's just hope they burn the damn chair after she's done with it. The Impressive Clergyman lifts his arms to indicate that the gathered throng may now be seated, and he begins the ceremony. "'Esquimo.' Phoebe Halliwell underlined a lot of passages in her copy of Moby Dick..." Oops. Sorry. Wishful thinking, I suppose.
The Impressive Clergyman actually opens with the standard "dearly beloved" stuff. Just as the service gets going, Coolio blows into the back of the church next to InvisiRaige. "Oh, no," she mutters, and hoists a handy candlestick in the air. She clubs Coolio on the back of his head and pushes him out onto the portico. InvisiRaige slams the chapel doors shut behind her just as the Impressive Clergyman gets to the part about speaking now or forever holding one's peace. The participants pause for a moment at the noise, but the service continues. Outside, Coolio slams InvisiRaige through another door and into the bridesmaids' locker room. The sound invades the chapel, and Piper volunteers to check it out. "Keep going," she smiles with a casually dismissive wave of her hand. She scurries up the aisle as the assembled extras mumble amongst themselves. Soon enough, we hear Raige shout, "Get away from her!" The Dolt politely excuses himself and hustles his ass out to the locker room. The Impressive Clergyman soldiers on, asking, "Who gives this woman to this man today?" Daddy Dearest gamely jumps to his feet to announce, "Her sisters and I do." Piper chooses this moment to scream, "You son of a bitch!" The Dolt also yells as it becomes clear that large quantities of glass are being broken nearby. Phoebe drops her bouquet at the foot of the altar and races to the back of the church with The Sole hot on her heels. Darryl and Daddy Dearest gape.