Episode Report Card Demian: C- | 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT We'll have an old-fashioned wedding.
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 15 | Aired on 2002.03.14
The bride-to-be fusses with some of the flowers while blaring questions through an open microphone pinned to her sweater. She's "checking the sound system," you see. Like the acoustics in that tiny space warrant a sound system. The questions themselves are directed at a harassed Piper and involve the wedding cake, the wedding limo, the wedding DJ, the wedding caterer, and the wedding table arrangements. Piper sighs that everything's been finalized, up to and including the wedding rice. Phoebe freezes. The guests can't throw rice! "The birds can't digest it, and they will blow up!" Phoebe protests. Not. Though I've always wanted to see that happen. Piper suggests the tossing of tasteful wedding birdseed or the release of festive wedding balloons as alternatives. I'd go for the birdseed, on the off chance that a vigilant flock of seagulls will leap at the opportunity to turn Phoebe into Tippi Hedren. Phoebe hyperventilates that balloons are also verboten, as "they float to the ocean and the whales mistake them for squid and [she] can't be thinking about whales washing up on the beach during [her] wedding, you know?" Good point, but stow it, Phoebe. You're bothering me. Piper suggests Phoebe relax and breathe, which has the blessed effect of shutting Phoebe the hell up. Raige enters and whoas at the interior of the church. "Is this a wedding or a coronation?" Spoiler: Both! Oh, shut up. Like you didn't wince in pain at that line yourself.
Phoebe nearly passes out when she notes that Raige has not retrieved the wedding gown. Raige tells her to chill; the bridal shop is open late, and Raige intends to swing by on her way to the rehearsal dinner. Piper eases Phoebe into a pew, where Phoebe admits that she's "a little stressed out." Quite expectedly, she wants her special day to be "perfect," with "no glitches -- natural or supernatural" and "no magic." Which of course means her special day will be desperately flawed, with glaring glitches both natural and supernatural, and enough magic to choke a horse. Or a recapper. Phoebe also pointedly notes that she wants "no ghosts," either. She lifts her gaze to the ceiling and bellows, "DO YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND THAT?" A little louder, honey. I don't think Shannen heard you. I've a sneaking suspicion Rose McGowan was thinking the same thing during the filming of this scene, because a priceless sneer flits across her face during her reaction shot. Piper calms Phoebe, assuring her, "By this time tomorrow, you and Cole will be joined in holy matrimony."