Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Many Happy Returns
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.01.2003
Over in some random park that seems to abut a freeway, Slampiece Glenn arrives to meet Raige for lunch. Raige greets him with a thousand-watt smile and hugs him a little too tightly. He extracts himself from her embrace and compliments her hair and outfit. Quite the suave, smooth one, that Slampiece Glenn. Except for the dead ferret on his head, of course. They babble about his recent trip to the Alps and her recent battles with dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell and whatnot before stepping on each other's promised revelations. Raige insists that Glenn break his news first, so he grins and announces, "I'm getting married!" A nearby motorist conveniently punctuates this announcement by stomping on his brakes as Raige's lower jaw hits the asphalt. Glenn giggles giddily while Raige amusingly attempts to mask her shock and dismay. "I wanted you to be the first to know, after my parents," Glenn continues before spotting The Slampiece Fiancée wandering down the garden path. The Roiling Ruckus Of The Floor Falling Out Beneath Poor Raige assaults my ears as "Jessica" bounces over in slow motion. Jessica's an outdoorsy yet manicured bleach blonde direct from the Aspiring Hollywood Starlet Genetic Modification Ranch in Twentynine Palms, so Raige gapes in horror. Jessica's as pleasant as can be, and enthusiastically greets Raige with the standard "I've heard so much about you!" nattering loathed by all who have ever lusted and lost out to freakish bimbos from Southern California. "So," Glenn finally asks, "what did you want to tell me?" Rose McGowan makes an hysterical stink-face as an anguished, keening wail of searing agony and despair hits the soundtrack.
Smash-cut to the Manor, where Doc Diddy and his Amazing Electric Bone are engaged in a mighty supernatural smackdown with one of the residual manifestations. This one looks just like one of the apparitions in Poltergeist, actually. Not that it matters much, for Doc Diddy's Amazing Electric Bone soon ensnares the thing in a net of flaring blue bolts before sucking it all in through the shrunken head. The Dolt, meanwhile, does his best to keep out of the way. Apparition sucking complete, Doc Diddy rises to his feet and chuckles, "That was a little bitty baby one. Big Mama's still hiding somewhere, but I'll find her." The Dolt furrows his brow and pinches his lips together. Doc Diddy sniffs a corner of the room and gags, "These walls are clogged with evil waste." Thanks for the overshare, buddy. "Are you sure these are good witches?" he asks. "The best," the Dolt snaps back. "Although one of them is going to go very evil on us if we don't get this room cleaned up immediately." Doc Diddy glances distastefully at the Dolt. "Dude, you are so whipped," he sneers. Okay, he doesn't, but I'm sure the thought crossed his mind. Instead, he completely misinterprets the Dolt's assertion and surreptitiously palms one of Piper's lipsticks. The sharp-eyed Dolt catches him, though, and wonders what gives. Doc Diddy lies that he's having trouble differentiating between the Glamorous Ladies' magic and that of the residual manifestations, and adds that "personal items help." The Dolt doesn't quite buy that explanation, but allows Doc Diddy to pocket the makeup. The boys snarl at each other about trust issues before heading downstairs. Once there, Piper confronts them regarding the explosions she heard. Doc Diddy assures her everything will be fine once he traps "Big Mama," and he tiptoes past her towards the parlor with his Amazing Electric Bone leading the way. He's totally pulling an Elmer Fudd with the stealthy tiptoeing schtick, and I'm finding it all far too amusing.