Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Many Happy Returns
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.01.2003
Free us from the ties that bind
Of evil magic entertwined
We call upon the one who cures
He who's to the Dark inured.
All of that's [sic], incidentally. And it's so very thoughtful of the editor to include a shot of the spell so I don't have to keep rewinding to transcribe it. Because it's all about me. Thanks, Editor Guy!
In any event, Raige flicks the snakeskin into the pot, which promptly belches out a small swirling cloud of glowing golf balls along with a white vapor. The golf balls and vapor condense into an actor I totally recognize from other shows, but I'll be damned if I can name him. He's sporting a white mock turtleneck beneath a sleek black suit, and his stern and stony expression is a bit too stern and stony, if you know what I mean. You know, like, comical and stuff. It must be that hint of mischief in his eyes. He arches a dangerous brow and politely inquires, "How may I be of service?" The Glamorous Ladies, puzzled, wrinkle their noses. "You're a witch doctor?" Raige asks skeptically. "Let me guess," he shoots back. "You were expecting someone with a bone through the nose and a shrunken-head necklace, perhaps?" The gals nod. Doc Diddy -- as in "P." -- sighs, "You try to change with the times, and it's the stereotypes that persist." No comment. He casually pops a stick of cinnamon into his mouth and barks, "Where's the evil?" He then ducks his head beneath the wooden table, and as many on the forums have noted, it's as if he expects to find said evil in Phoebe's cooter. Which wouldn't surprise me. At all. Piper informs him that the evil is "everywhere." Doc Diddy immediately whips out a talisman fashioned from a bone, with a weeny little shrunken skull stuck to the top. Heh. Way to embrace the stereotype, Doc. Clearly a gentleman who enjoys his line of work, Doc Diddy grins and eagerly asks permission to search the rest of the house. Piper shrugs and gestures. Doc Diddy raises his voodoo tricorder in front of his face and stalks into the dining room. The cautious Dolt whispers, "I'm gonna keep an eye on him," before loping out of the room. Raige and Phoebe are all, "Gotta go! See ya!" and bolt after some Feeb-tastic baby talk directed at the percolating infant supposedly encased in Holly Marie Combs's pregnancy pad. As The Flatulent Oboe Of Miserable Household Drudgery honks on the soundtrack, Piper snits, "Don't worry about me! I'll just clean this all up by myself!" Oh, you love it. Martyr.
The Bay Mirror. Phoebe pedehoots from her office over to Elise Rothman, Girl Editor, and brandishes a full-page ad featuring a rival advice columnist named Spencer Ricks. Phoebe claims the guy's a "chauvinistic" "turkey," because if she attacked him for being "an overexposed, talent-free, gasbag hack," she'd be a hypocritical stoat, and we can't have that. Also, the spell she casts later in the episode wouldn't be so anviliciously foreshadowed. The gentleman featured in the advertisement is a dead ringer for Rush Limbaugh, so draw your own conclusions there. Elise reveals that Rush Rickbaugh's column, despite what Phoebe may think of its content, has dramatically increased sales at the Mirror's primary competitor. Therefore, she and the other editors have scheduled a photo shoot for Phoebe that afternoon at 415 magazine, and that's a publication we haven't heard about in three years. They're doing an "exposé" on local "celebrities," you see, and Elise believes the free publicity can only help the Mirror's circulation. Phoebe balks. Elise insists, "It's all going to be very tasteful" -- and no, "tasteful" is certainly not what it's going to be, but we'll get to that in a few minutes. "I want you to feel free to show off as many of your lovely...assets as you feel comfortable with," adds the Girl Editor, tracing imaginary circles in the air around the Fun Bags with her hands. Phoebe dead-eyes Elise in disbelief for a moment before insisting, "I'm a professional advice columnist, not a Playmate." Shyeah. And Jenny McCarthy is a professional...you know what? Too easy. Anyway, Elise too-casually mentions that Rush Rickbaugh will be appearing in the issue, and dear God, I hope we don't have to see him in a Speedo. Hearing this piece of information, Phoebe immediately agrees to the photo shoot. Circulation whore.