Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Many Happy Returns
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.01.2003
Down in the main hallway, Piper snatches the "crap" incense out of Phoebe's hand while The Knockered Nitwit proceeds to make the current infestation all about her. "Cole's residual evil is taking on a life of its own," she shrieks. "Look at my hair! I woke up, it was in a ponytail. I did not put it in a ponytail!" Oh, stow it, hag. Like Cole's got nothing better to do than torment you in your sleep. On second thought...no, I'm not going there, either. "I'm telling you guys, it's all harmless," the Dolt insists, just as the invisible residue hoists a vase from the entrance table and smashes it to the floor while shaking the chandelier, slamming the doors repeatedly, and wailing. Then, to my immense pleasure, the invisible residue materializes in the form of a shadowy white smear that drags Phoebe upwards through the air to the ceiling above the stairs. Piper flings out her Hands Of Discontent, vanquishing a few patches of freshly-painted plaster before Raige reminds her that poltergeists detest electricity. So, what does Piper do? She blows up the nearby light fixture, electrocuting both ghost and dimwit. Whee! Phoebe and the poltergeist jitter and jerk uncontrollably for a bit until the zapped entity zips out through the wall. Phoebe slams her head in the process, then whomps down onto the landing below. Hooray! Hit her some more! Piper gasps in dismay as little bits of plaster sprinkle Phoebe's shredded hair. Phoebe levels her gaze at the Dolt, spits, "You were saying?" and dissolves into the opening credits.
After the commercials, we're treated to an extended dance mix opening travelogue, followed by a lengthy montage of Raige primping for her lunch date with Slampiece Glenn. She vogues around Prue Memorial, blowing kisses and granting princess waves to an imagined throng of admirers before finally squeezing into a strappy white floral-patterned boob sling I believe we've seen before. Down on the sun porch, Phoebe abuses the Book of Shadows for a residue vanquish while pack-mule Piper and pantywaist Dolt sweep up last night's ceiling detritus from the hallway floor. Phoebe's changed into a relatively modest striped silver lace-up satin corset, by the way. Unfortunately, she's chosen to accessorize this with a pair of rose-toned bell-bottom leg warmers she's wearing as gloves. Dizzy moron. The Dolt apologizes for underestimating the "manifestation" lately wreaking havoc on the Manor, claiming in his defense that demonic leftovers have never before strengthened to the extent seen the previous evening. Phoebe brightly whatevers that they'll handle it. Piper, however, grits and clenches and bitches that she will not raise a child in their current environment. Raige thankfully descends the stairs at this point to interrupt the incessant bitchery with news of her lunch date. After a stream of expository dialogue meant to remind the audience of Raige and Glenn's history together, Piper forgives Raige for bailing on clean-up duty and adds, "All right, Sally -- go meet Harry, and good luck." Which is a stupid, stupid reference that in no way matches the relationship Raige has with her long-term slampiece. Whatever. Raige floats towards the front door on a cloud of hormones. The Unseen Manifestation Of The Writers' Sweaty And Panicked Desperation Now That Julian McMahon's Off The Show For Good screams and dumps another load of powdered plaster on Piper's head. Piper rolls her eyes as Phoebe announces she's found a solution to all of their problems. And what would that be, hon? Midol for Piper? A Male Escort Trust Fund for Raige? A pink slip signed by Aaron Spelling for you? Tell us!
Damn. It's another spell. Back in the kitchen, a potion simmering on the center island explodes as Piper drops a sprig of something into the mix. Scratch that -- the potion's simmering on a large wooden table in the middle of the room, like, what the hell happened to the center island? It never had an open bottom before, did it? Have I finally been driven insane? Raige assists with the ingredients while the Feebs hollers out instructions. "A witch doctor?" splutters the Dolt. "Shouldn't we be talking about this?" Like you have to ask. Of course you'll be talking about it, Dolt -- we can't have hastily-concocted magical creatures added to the Charmed universe without a boatload of appropriate exposition, now can we? Fortunately, the production staff has inserted a lovely shot of the appropriate entry in the Book of Shadows, so all I have to do is copy the text: "Little is known of Witch Doctors except for their dedication to expel evil spirits from demonic footholds. Using strange unknown magic rituals, Witch Doctors feel their outsider status as watchdogs of evil gives them the freedom to attack evil in all it's [sic] shifting guises." The Dolt protests that witch doctors are "wild cards," and adds that the ever-useless Elders have forbidden the Charmed Ones from consorting with such undesirables. Piper snarks that sometimes the Glamorous Ladies aren't too fond of consorting with the ever-useless Elders, either, and besides, does the Dolt have a better idea? End of discussion. The Dolt never has a better idea. Raige tears a strip of snakeskin off the roll of snakeskin they apparently store in the pantry and prepares to add it to the potion while Phoebe recites the following: