Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Many Happy Returns
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.01.2003
Out in the chapel proper, Man-Stealing Raige glides past the infamous baptismal font, pauses to rearrange her boobs, then continues down the aisle. Classy! The only other people in the church are Slampiece FauxHawk and the minister. I'd bitch about the lack of witnesses, and I'd complain about how unlikely it would be for Glenn to deprive his parents of the opportunity to see their son married, and I'd wonder why Glenn would accept his intended's abrupt about-face on the marriage issue so soon after their knock-down, drag-out hissyfit on the portico, but you know what? I exhausted my rage on The Swishy, Simpering, Sibilant Sissy, and I can't really bring myself to care. Really. You've fan-wanked a mind-control spell that Raige cast during the commercial break to explain this entirely unbelievable situation? Works for me. So, anyway, the bumbling Dolt charges out of the locker room and tangles his feet up in Man-Stealing Raige's train in a clumsy attempt to halt the ceremony. Slampiece FauxHawk barrels down the aisle, spoiling for a fight. Man-Stealing Raige calms the belligerent boys and sends FauxHawk back to his corner, assuring him she'll take care of the Dolt. Once Slampiece FauxHawk is out of earshot, the Dolt demands to know the whereabouts of The One True Man-Stealing Hussy From Twentynine Palms. Man-Stealing Raige smirks and snarks, "Hell if I know." The Dolt sighs and jogs out of the chapel as Man-Stealing Raige joins Slampiece FauxHawk at the front of the church.
Over at the offices of The Bay Mirror's competition, Rush Rickbaugh lumbers towards the parking lot while leering over his shoulder at some pneumatic chippie's ass. Phoebe pops out from behind a delivery van to confront him. Rush Rickbaugh greets her like so: "Feeble Halliwell! As I live and breathe!" Rush Rickbaugh immediately becomes Demian's new best friend and partner in shout-out crime. Pity the man's so physically and psychically repugnant. It's also a shame The Feebs has to shatter her potion at his feet, thereby transforming him into a turkey, because together Rush and I could do one hell of a number on the Dolt's worthless ass. The Rickbaugh Turkey makes gobbling noises as Alyssa Milano's stunt hand-double reaches for its neck.
And speaking of worthless Dolt ass, one in particular has orbed itself back to the Manor, where it gallops down the stairs to gawp at the supposedly unnerving changes Piper's wrought on the parlor. If you must know, said changes amount to the threatened slip-covers on the furniture and an immaculate floor, but these alterations aren't half as fascinating as the near-cinematic underscore to the Dolt's growing anxiety and dismay. Good thing Raige cast that mind-control spell on Slampiece FauxHawk during the commercial break. If she hadn't, the producers wouldn't have been able to jettison that raft of wedding extras in favor of hiring a real composer along with an orchestra for the episode's soundtrack. Who knew that fan-wanks could save so much money?