Episode Report Card Demian: C- | 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT Marry-Go-Round
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 15 | Aired on March 13, 2002
"And now, an all-new Charmed. 'Phoebe's Wedding.'"
Fuck.
I don't hate weddings. Really. After all, I've participated in more than my fair share of them -- from my brother's on a mountainside in Perry County, Pennsylvania, in 1978 to his daughter's on a beach in Maryland a year ago, with various commitment ceremonies of both the heterosexual and the homosexual sort littered throughout the intervening twenty-three years. And I've never had a problem with them. Well, except for the rubbery chicken Kiev at the receptions and the ill-considered attempts at "personalized" and "unique" vows. Then again, everyone hates those things. I mention all this because I don't want you to walk away from what is certain to be a bile-filled recap of tonight's episode thinking I'm some sort of embittered queer theorist with patriarchy issues. However, having suffered in the last few years through Piper's attempts to make it to the altar, the innumerable and tiresome wedding plotlines involving various configurations of the despised million-dollar Friends, the aborted nuptials of both Carol Hathaway and Xander and Anya, and the outright hideousness that was the second trip down the aisle for the Flashes, I've just about had it. I don't think I can suffer through another goddamned TV wedding without my head exploding. If you're the praying sort, offer up a few words for me now as I attempt to make it through the next hour with both sanity and skull intact.
The scene: A cozy little rough-hewn stone church. Which should spark a heated discussion on the boards about how committed the Halliwells really are to their Wiccan heritage. You'd think Phoebe would prefer to stage an outdoor ceremony at some Bay Area promontory at sunrise on the vernal equinox in order to be at one with the Goddess and the elements and the regeneration of life and whatnot, and you'd be wrong. The altar area is a riot of elaborate and expensive-looking floral arrangements, which -- correct me if I'm wrong -- should be installed the day of the ceremony, not the afternoon before. Expect droop. Other areas feature swags of satin and flounces of chiffon and, perhaps to offset the impending floral droop, an array of candles that are best described as priapic.
The bride-to-be fusses with some of the flowers while blaring questions through an open microphone pinned to her sweater. She's "checking the sound system," you see. Like the acoustics in that tiny space warrant a sound system. The questions themselves are directed at a harassed Piper and involve the wedding cake, the wedding limo, the wedding DJ, the wedding caterer, and the wedding table arrangements. Piper sighs that everything's been finalized, up to and including the wedding rice. Phoebe freezes. The guests can't throw rice! "The birds can't digest it, and they will blow up!" Phoebe protests. Not. Though I've always wanted to see that happen. Piper suggests the tossing of tasteful wedding birdseed or the release of festive wedding balloons as alternatives. I'd go for the birdseed, on the off chance that a vigilant flock of seagulls will leap at the opportunity to turn Phoebe into Tippi Hedren. Phoebe hyperventilates that balloons are also verboten, as "they float to the ocean and the whales mistake them for squid and [she] can't be thinking about whales washing up on the beach during [her] wedding, you know?" Good point, but stow it, Phoebe. You're bothering me. Piper suggests Phoebe relax and breathe, which has the blessed effect of shutting Phoebe the hell up. Raige enters and whoas at the interior of the church. "Is this a wedding or a coronation?" Spoiler: Both! Oh, shut up. Like you didn't wince in pain at that line yourself.