Episode Report Card Couch Baron: B+ | 1 USERS: B+ YOU GRADE IT "You Fart Helium?"
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 03.18.1999
Moya. Crichton thanks Sun for her part in the escape. Zhann affectionately thanks Crichton, and presses one of her ears to one of his. An electronic ping goes off, and from the look on Crichton's face, Zhann's got one of the games from the sex episode of TNG stuffed into her head. Riker would just love her, not that I didn't think that already. Sun stares quizzically as Crichton stretches out his neck. Hee.
Later, a Roomba scoots by, and then we see Crichton packing up his bag. Cut to D'Argo sharpening his blade, and then cut to Zhann chanting and meditating, presumably in her quarters, while not wearing much of anything. Cut back to Crichton walking around, and then D'Argo appears out of nowhere, grabs him by the lapels, and says they need to talk. Crichton takes umbrage at the manhandling, and then a weird scene ensues wherein first D'Argo implies that he's happy to have Crichton aboard, but then throws him up against a wall and presses his sword to Crichton's neck and says he'll kill Crichton if he threatens his freedom. I think Pfizer may have a big new target market for Zoloft on the Luxan home world. Crichton rubs his neck and wonders what he has to do not to get his ass kicked around here. Sun's voice cuts in that the Luxans are a brutal race. Crichton thinks that Sun's people are just as bad, especially Crais. He expresses relief that, according to Pilot, Crais's people have no jurisdiction in the Unknown Territories, but Sun points out that Crais thinks Crichton killed his brother, and as such is unlikely to obey local ordinances, unless one of them happens to be "disembowel hot blue-eyed aliens at will." With some of the usual edge out of her tone, Sun counsels Crichton to choose his allegiances carefully, and then leaves.
The Roomba with the damaged eye pipes up its approval, and Crichton beckons it over. He tapes up the broken antenna as he records a message to his dad on a tape recorder. God, Crichton, I know things look desperate, but there's no need to emulate Janeane Garafolo. Anyway, he tells his dad that of course he won't get this tape, but in case he does, he's alive, and dammit, he's not going to stop until he reaches home. Or for four seasons. (Too soon?) Also, I kind of hope his dad does get the tape, just to see his "WTF?" expression when he hears his son's heartwarming speech interspersed with a conversation with a Roomba. Its eye functional again, the Roomba skitters off. Crichton then grabs Rygel, who has appeared next to him and is pawing his stuff, and asks what he's doing. Rygel: "Your equipment may be worth something in trade." If you want something of Crichton's that would be valuable in trade, I'd start with another kind of equipment. Crichton points out that it's his equipment. Completely unintimidated, Rygel asks, "Are you a sound sleeper?" with a pretty good sardonic smile for a drippy piece of felt. He Thronesleds off as Crichton goes back to his tape and says that there's life out there -- "weird, amazing, psychotic life -- and, in Technicolor." He also confesses that he's got rattlers in his stomach. This was probably before a full-season order was issued. We get a beauty shot of Moya, and we're out.