Episode Report Card Couch Baron: B+ | 2 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT "You Fart Helium?"
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 03.18.1999
Cut to the brothers Roomba herding Crichton onto the bridge. Hee. They're like Corgies! Anyway, Crichton sees a couple of aliens with their backs to him, who are attempting to fend off the zippy ships, some of which we see through the viewer. One of the aliens looks sort of like a male refugee from The Lion King, while the other was turned down from the Blue Man Group because she is, in fact, female. Crichton hears enough different alien languages that the jaunty music from the Mos Eisley cantina would be kicking up right now, were it not for the mortal peril and all. Crichton just stares slackjawed, but given just how alien these aliens are, he can get away with it for another couple of minutes. He slowly walks forward, and eventually gets the attention of the two aliens. He amiably starts to introduce himself, but Simba grabs him by the throat and lifts him into the air. The undamaged Roomba zaps Crichton in the foot with something, and then the alien tongues resolve themselves into English. I thought you put Babel fish into your ear, not your foot, but I always wondered whether Douglas Adams had ever really logged any serious field research. The founder of the Blue Woman Group advises Crichton to answer Simba, as he knows "how Luxans can be." Well, he doesn't, but he's certainly getting a crash course. I'm sure he'll thank the Luxan for that, assuming his trachea is still functional. Simba asks what model ship Crichton is driving, as he's strapped for cash and he knows someone who will pay full Blue Book. Blue Woman, Singular, asks if the technology he used to get there could be something they can employ to escape.
Frustrated with the whole "people can't talk while they're being choked" concept, Simba tosses Crichton away, and then demands that "Pilot" give him maneuverability immediately. A hologram of Pilot pops up inside a clamshell. I have to take a moment and laugh at the randomness, as this is my first science fiction recapping experience. Pilot says he can't do anything until the "control collar" is released. I can't really come close to describing Pilot, by the way. The best I can do for you is say that he sort of looks like what Frank Oz would come up with if he were asked to design a scaly Muppet with a helmet-head, who also is in possession of as many arms as Vishnu. Pilot bitches that Moya, ostensibly the ship, can't withstand the assault much longer. Simba starts freaking shit and ripping a bunch of wires out of random places, causing a new character...you know what? I'm not even going to try to describe these characters. I'm doing no better than a blind person here, and if I have to stare at Rygel indefinitely in an effort to figure out how to describe him, I'm going to wish I were blind myself. So, real names for the characters from now on, and you can just look them up if you're one of the three people reading who hasn't seen every episode of the show a gazillion times.