Episode Report Card Couch Baron: B+ | 2 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT "You Fart Helium?"
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 03.18.1999
The sex-charged talk stops when D'Argo asks Zhann if she knows "Peacekeeper Coding," and she answers in the affirmative. They discover they were imprisoned on the same maximum-labor planet, "Mekkar 7," but when D'Argo reveals he worked in the mines, Zhann seriously asks him why he's not dead. D'Argo says he doesn't know, as he saw countless others die while the Peacekeepers looked on. Wow, can you imagine if he ended up having to work with a Peacekeeper? I just hope they have sophisticated enough technology that they'll be able to download the Odd Couple theme music. Zhann speculates that he survived so he could fight for freedom, as they're doing now, and D'Argo chuckles that that's a very Delvian way of looking at the situation. Zhann replies, "I am nothing if not a product of my upbringing," because most people who were brought up to believe in the ways of their society advocate overthrowing the government. Okay, she might have been kidding. She's kind of inscrutable. Anyway, they share a sweet moment...
...which segues into an even sweeter moment, as Crichton wakes up in a cell with no clothes on. Out loud, he hopes that everything that happened was a dream, so I guess that settles the question of whether he sleeps in the buff. Anyway, he hears a squeaking sound, and looks over to see that the Roombas are enjoying the show, not that I blame them. Rygel floats by and start punching some buttons on a console next to the cell door. Said door, by the way, is crisscrossed with a lot of solid metal, making it impossible to see much. It makes me appreciate the genius of Em City in Oz. Anyway, Crichton's nudity finally hits him, and he runs off to the side to grab his togs. You can see that he's wearing underwear there, not that I probably need to tell anyone with a rewind button. He yells at Rygel, "Why did you take off my clothes?" ending any possibility that anyone watching this show could think he was intelligent. Rygel imperiously says that he doesn't need to talk to Crichton, as he's ruler of 600 billion people. Crichton points out that he was imprisoned, and Rygel grumps that his cousin stole his throne, but he plans to take it back posthaste. He goes on that they took Crichton's clothes off so he could be examined, and Crichton freaks out at the probing he might have underwent unawares. I'll just leave D.K. out of this -- he's probably having a tough enough night as it is. Crichton asks about the injection he got, and Rygel tells him it contained translator microbes, which colonize at the base of the brain and allow them to understand each other. Well, I'm a little skeptical, but it's better in concept than the freakin' "universal translator." Crichton mutters "colonize" and "brain" to himself, and while "colonize" is the bigger word, I'm still betting it's the less unfamiliar to him. Crichton asks why he's locked up, as he's not there to harm anyone. Rygel says they can no more trust him than they can trust "that," motioning across the cell. Crichton looks over to see a figure in a flight suit and helmet, presumably the pilot of the Prowler. I'd wonder why she sat still for so long, but maybe she wanted to enjoy the show for as long as it was there. But now she gets up and doffs her helmet to reveal a pretty, if disheveled, brunette, who's eminently human-looking. Crichton gets this doofy grin on his face, and walks over to introduce himself. The woman answers by introducing Crichton's face to the wall, and then boots him in the stomach a couple of times, felling him to the floor. She gets down on her knees and straddles him, and asks what his rank and regiment are. Crichton again is too short on air to speak, which is just as well, since I don't think Officer Kickass here would take too kindly to hearing him reply that he's Officer Beaver of the Vulva Regiment. We cut out of the scene with Crichton thinking that if he's got to die here, it's probably the way he would have chosen. Don't tell D.K., though.