Episode Report Card Couch Baron: B+ | 2 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT "You Fart Helium?"
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 03.18.1999
So Rygel flies by on his ThroneSled, imperiously thwapping Crichton as he passes. Our boy isn't having a good day here. Zhann asks where the others are, and Rygel informs her there are no others. This is going to be one of those numerous examples where ships that officially require a complement of hundreds of people to be run well can in fact be operated by a handful with little ill effect. Space travelers are such drama queens, although I suppose we already knew that from Scotty and frickin' Geordi LaForge. Rygel also informs them that they were to be taken to a "lifer's colony." Oh my God, they were going to have to work for a non-profit? Crichton nervously asks if they're escaped prisoners, because he doesn't mind hanging around with Muppets at all, as long as they're law-abiding. Rygel says he'll protect Crichton. "I'll look after you now, you look after me later." Ah, the old "you scratch my back, I scratch something on you that I'd really rather not contemplate" deal. There's an explosion, and Pilot informs them that the hull integrity is somewhere around "eggshell." Zhann chants a prayer, and then suddenly, she realizes that the "coding wall" is dimming, so she thinks D'Argo must have hit the code. That doesn't seem likely, as all he was doing was ripping whatever shit he could find apart. I mean, I'm sure I've done that in response to extremely stressful circumstances, but it wasn't with any constructive purpose in mind. Pilot announces that the control collar is coming off, and a bunch of metal starts floating into the space around the ship. D'Argo instructs Pilot to prepare for "immediate starburst." Pilot is hesitant, possibly because it's a process named after a candy that doesn't taste that good and actually pulls your teeth out at the roots. ["Hey, don't be dissing strawberry 'bursts, man." -- Sars] Actually, it's because Moya has been inactive for a while, but D'Argo says that Moya is a "Leviathan," and this is its only defensive maneuver. Meanwhile, Crichton is still floundering dumbly on the floor. Geez, Rygel's two feet tall. He can't have hit you that hard, Rocket Boy.
Cut to an Eevil voice telling the zippy ships, "Prowlers," to break off their assault. Pilot tells everyone to hold on to something, and then a wave of light starts at the back of the ship and courses over it. Rygel grouses that he hates starburst. Man, it's not a good sign for a character when I'm telling him to shut up fifteen minutes into the first episode. By the way, shut up, Rygel. The light forms a portal, and the ship enters it and disappears.