Episode Report Card Couch Baron: B+ | 2 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT "You Fart Helium?"
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 03.18.1999
The Prowlers fly around a large ship. With the two big handles coming out of it, it looks like a bit like a floating tote bag. I guess someone donated a lot of money to the interstellar version of PBS. The Eevil Crais, wearing a black uniform, army boots, and a goatee, marches around the bridge, barely deigning to acknowledge the female underling giving him a report. Dude, calm down here. I think even Crichton would realize that you're a bad guy. Blonde Underling tells him about Moya's escape and the casualties incurred, but she only gets his attention when she shows him video of the drunk-flying incident. Turns out the dude who clipped Crichton was Crais's brother. Whoops! Crais orders Blonde Underling to "peel back the image," so he can see who was piloting the ship that was sitting still minding its own business. By the way, I know a lot of things are different in this part of the galaxy, so you'll be reassured to know that they have carbs here, if the way Crais fills out his uniform is any indication.
The Moya comes out of starburst. Pilot informs D'Argo that a Prowler got caught in the slipstream with them, and D'Argo orders him to jam its radio and net it. Zhann asks Pilot if Moya knows where they are, so apparently a Leviathan is a living, sentient being. Pilot sniffs that of course he (she?) does -- beat -- "I'll get back to you on the specifics." I know a couple of comedy clubs where Pilot would fit right in. For no apparent reason, Rygel makes a wheezing noise, and then sneezes some red viscous fluid, some of which hits Crichton. Given their earlier arrangement, I'll leave it to you to decide what the proper quid pro quo should be. Crichton, aghast, asks what's the matter with "you people." Offended at being called a person, D'Argo sticks out his tongue. Only his tongue is several feet long, and clocks Crichton in the back of the neck. Crichton's reaction is a little late, but he manages to turn and stare disbelievingly before falling to the deck unconscious. Hee.
Shot of the Leviathan...Leviathaning. D'Argo complains that they have no idea where they are. Zhann smiles and sexily comes over and introduces herself. D'Argo notes that she's "Delvian," and she adds that she's a priest. D'Argo murmurs that he's heard of the Delvian priests' practices, their "appetites," including something called the "fourth sensation." Zhann grins that she's experienced that, and invites him to buy a copy of her book, The Kama Sutra Is For Children. D'Argo notes she can't have experienced it lately, and she agreeably agrees. Completely flummoxed, he hems and haws over his next line until even my closed captioning gets fed up and decides to go grab a cup of coffee. Anyway, he finally asks Zhann why she was imprisoned. She tells him that even for her people, she was something of an anarchist. Hmm, an anarchist priest who has lots of mind-blowing sex. I think Catholic missionaries would consider her planet a hardship assignment. She adds that she was the "leading anarchist," which is D'Argo's cue to tell her that he killed his commanding officer. It seems like that wouldn't necessarily prompt her to take his hand, but perhaps that news turned her on, given her affinity for anarchy. Not that she seems to need a whole lot of help in the turning-on department either. She asks how old he is, and hearing the response of "thirty cycles," says he's but a boy. Maybe, but from his point of view, that makes you whatever the blue-skinned, Lead Anarchist version of a MILF is.