Episode Report Card Heathen: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Escape From L.A.
By Heathen | Season 3 | Episode 6 | Aired on 12.01.2003
Quietly, Potato Face apologizes for being snippy to Spawn, even though it's the only likable thing she's done all season -- uh, "day." Spawn doesn't much care and just wants to know if Kief's getting busted for the drugs. She doesn't seem too concerned about the fact of the smack, just that Kiefer might get in trouble before he teaches her to tie a good tourniquet. Potato Face confirms without concern that she turned in the drugs, but says the shit hit the fan before anyone really could process the information. God, she's horrible. This actress has been funny and great in other things, but she's so miscast on this show. Every time I see her potato face I want to shove it in a deep-fryer.
At the meeting, Chappelle announces that if they can't get word to Kiefer about Kontagious Kyle, they'll have to go after Kiefer and Hartmano with guns blazing. "[They are] expendable," he says. Bitchelle wants to know why they're not pursuing more options that don't involve killing off their renegade rogue agent whose unconventional methods always result in good triumphing over evil. She can't figure out why Chappelle doesn't see the flaw in this idea. Chappelle says that Kiefer's tied their hands with his little suicide mission -- he'll either die at the hands of Hartmano or alongside Hartmano at the hands of CTU, so Chappelle might as well get his jollies by engulfing Kiefer in a flame that's symbolic of the effect he has on our loins. Crystal Gael listens to this with face-twitchy interest. I'm not sure why nobody's been suspicious of him yet -- anyone with that much car grease in his hair is automatically evil. Chappelle repeats yet again what we already know: it's a problem if Kiefer gets the kopter over the downtown kore of Los Angeles, and if anyone knows of a reliable but painless way to evict the family of reindeer that's taken up residence in his anal canal, he'd love to hear it.
Rancho Narcotico. Hector is all agitated because Crystal Gael isn't answering the phone. He handles this by throwing his phone across the room, which won't be phenomenally helpful when he decides to dial again, but who am I to encourage a mustachioed nut job to reconsider his tantrums. PoorMan'sAngelinaJolie massages his shoulders and soothes him, saying maybe Gael's just busy, or, hopefully, in the shower. Hector wants to know what's going on with Hartmano. "The government is probably releasing him," Angelina says listlessly, walking to the window so that her facial expressions can be more suspicious and private. Hector gulps and decides to tell Angelina the truth and risk her irritation, ostensibly because his testicles are tired of living like little intestinal raisins and want to drop back where they belong. "They're not releasing him," Hector admits. "The plan has changed. Kiefer is delivering Ramon." Angelina's breasts quiver and her eyes dart sideways, which she can do since she had the foresight to go stare out the window. "Kiefer?" she gulps. I totally think she either had an affair with him, or she's an undercover officer herself. Well, no "or" there, I guess -- either way, she's probably had some Kiefer kock. "What is that, a joke?" Angelina spits, facing Hector. "How is that possible?" Hector shrugs that Hartmano is indeed accepting Kiefer's help, and Angelina gets angry that they're letting Kiefer kome to them. "That's too dangerous," she spits. "Look what he's already done to us!" She's worried it's a trick. "Don't worry about Kiefer," Hector smiles. "I have plans for him." Angelina's mouth hangs open, which probably corresponds neatly with her plans for Kiefer.