Episode Report Card Heathen: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Escape From L.A.
By Heathen | Season 3 | Episode 6 | Aired on 12.01.2003
KieferKopter. Our hero notices military copters flying in formation on the radar and correctly determines that they're going to try shooting them out of the sky. Hartmano's like, hmm, interesting wrinkle, good thing Kiefer's a human iron. Kiefer grunts.
Special Agent Charlie Brown screeches through L.A. in his Ford You Can't Get One This Tricked Out So Don't Worry About What Product-Placed Model This Is. He calls Chappelle in a snit, pissed that Chappelle authorized the choppers to use force against Kiefer. "Does President Palmer know about this?" he says. Chappelle's like, oh, God, that guy again? Charlie decides that we need to be reminded that Kiefer only turned renegade to prevent the virus from being released. Chappelle doesn't give a fuck -- this is his chance to waste Kiefer, and he's probably a bit stoked. "This is my jurisdiction," he says smoothly. Charlie bitchily points out that getting Palmer's authorization might be smart, considering his long love affair with Kiefer. "Our mandate is not to accommodate personal relationships," Chappelle says. Charlie gets in a right tizzy and is all, well, fine, YOU tell the President that you blew up the love of his life. Charlie has nads bigger than you ever thought Charles Schultz could draw. Although, for once, little Charlie Brown didn't miss this kick -- Chappelle hangs up properly chagrined and orders Major Blowhard not to fire on Kiefer just yet.
Ruby Keeler starts attacking President Palmer's alleged lack of support for the American worker, and does what all politicians do when they want people to think they care: Drops names of "real Americans" who will then mistakenly think that someone genuinely wants to help them rather than just using them for votes. Dr. Anne listens backstage with Brother Palmer, whose mobile rings. It's Chappelle, filling him on in the Kontagious Kyle situation. BroPalm's relieved that they got him. "We still have the Kiefer situation to deal with," Chappelle says. We sit through another damn recap of what's happening, and BroPalm automatically is like, crap, if you kill Kiefer, Palmer's going to put his shit down, flip it, and reverse it. "He's in the middle of a debate -- it'll have to wait," he says. Chappelle points out that it's a tad more immediate than that, because if the chopper lands, Kiefer and Hartmano will disappear into the population. BroPalm hangs up. Dr. Anne frowns.
Keeler goes for Presidential Debate Mainstay #32: Cast aspersions on the president's staff of experts. Indeed, make sure everyone begins air-quoting the word "experts." He's accusing their numbers of being "blurry," but we don't really care because suddenly Brother Palmer comes on over Palmer's earpiece. In split-screen we get Palmer's impassive face and BroPalm's lips speaking into a microphone. He's all, word up, bloods, Kiefer and Hartmano are still out there on the run, and we may need to waste their brash asses before they get home. Can you dig it? Palmer stiffens. Keeler challenges him to respond to whatever mindless prattle just got spewed. "David, what do you want to do?" BroPalm urges. Palmer stares out into the sea of lights and realizes he can't let his loins stir for Kiefer while he's onstage. "My fellow Americans, I've just been informed of an impending national emergency. Therefore, I must withdraw from this debate," Palmer says, exiting swiftly. Ruby Keeler's like, what? I bought new tap shoes and tights just for this, and I haven't even gotten my pants off yet. BroPalm pissily clears the backstage area in a right snit. At 06:14:00, we smash to black praying that the next act won't spend half its time recapping what happened in the first one.