Episode Report Card Heathen: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Escape From L.A.
By Heathen | Season 3 | Episode 6 | Aired on 12.01.2003
The time is 06:18:26, and Kiefer's still flying the unfriendly skies while Spawn pouts and Special Agent Charlie Brown drives. Kontagious Kyle is zipped up in a clear plastic bubble, writhing and screaming and begging to know where he's being taken. To a Jewel concert, Kyle -- what do you think, boy? No one talks to him, so he continues to shit a small suburb of brick townhomes, because if he had to choose between Jewel and death, he'd choose death. Kyle is sent through a decontamination chamber and taken to a place where Dr. Nicole "Andrea Thompson" Duncan can talk to him through her hazmat suit. Andrea tries to calm him down. Kyle asks where PoorMan'sJennieGarth is, and is informed that she's with Hilary Duff trying to get a sibling-hijinks sitcom greenlit on UPN. "There's an incubation period of fourteen hours," Andrea tells him. "With this V-I-R-U-S, if you haven't become symptomatic, you haven't transmitted it." Kyle asks how his parents are, and Andrea promises they're on their way. He turns away, gulps, and milks his moment in the emotional sunlight. "What happens when I do become…symptomatic?" he chokes. "Will it eat me alive?" Andrea blinks, "You're fucked, son, you're fucked," in Morse code. She sidesteps the question by vowing to keep him as comfortable as he can be. Kontagious Kyle sniffles sadly at his fate.
Up in the KieferKopter, no one can figure out why the military choppers haven't shot them yet. Special Agent Charlie Brown badgers Potato Face about why she hasn't found communications frequency they can hijack. "I can't make the servers go any faster, okay?" she somehow manages to whine in a monotone.
Major Blowhard badgers Chappelle for an answer about whether they can pop a kap in KieferKopter's ass. They only have four minutes before they can't safely shoot. That's four real-time minutes. Four.
A newscaster calls into question whether there really is a national emergency, or whether it was a ruse Palmer used to get out of the debate. Palmer gobbles a bunch of pills as Brother Palmer boots everyone out of the room. "I'm sorry, but we don't have a lot of time," he says. "I can't give the order to kill Kiefer," Palmer says. "You can't let Hartmano go, either," BroPalm points out. Palmer is truly torn, but he points out that he thinks Wayne's more worried that if Kiefer lives, he'll somehow blab that Palmer knew he was going to break Hartmano out of prison. "I am worried about that," BroPalm says. He reminds us that Hartmano is eeeeeeevil, with baaaaaaaad connections and the capability of unleashing a V-I-R-U-S. Palmer is like, but Kief's sacrificed everything to make this happen; BroPalm more or less counters that Kief's got a martyr complex and that's nice for him, but it doesn't really outweigh how eeeeeeeevil Hartmano is. "Make the decision as if it wasn't Kiefer on that helicopter," BroPalm urges. "Do what's right for this country." As the time pressure is once again asserted, Palmer faces life without repressed man-love, and has to admit that it might make his pants fit a bit looser in the crotch. "Get me Chappelle," he says.