Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | 186 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Welcome To Fantathy Thithtern!
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 6 | Aired on 2003.10.26
We fade up on a Phoebe-filled television monitor, upon which the dingbat in question states, "Today, we're going to be talking about the five-minute orgasm." I switch off my television set, unplug it from the wall, haul it across the room to the front window, and drop it on my morbidly obese neighbor's pack of yippy terriers. That's it, folks! End of the recap! Thanks for stopping by, and you all take care of yourselves, okay?
Oh, fine. I'll finish it, but only because I'm contractually obliged to do so. Though I do wonder how many thousands of unsuspecting viewers stroked out at the opening line of this episode. I'd check the ratings to see if there was a sharp drop-off from last week, but that would be a little pointless. I mean, sure, 1,834,973 heads just exploded across North America like so many blood-filled ticks, but that also means the unfortunates who owned those heads were not then able to change the channel, right? So, this episode just droned on and on as 1,834,973 living room carpets slowly sopped up 1,834,973 gallons of blood. The retention rates for Tarzan must have been phenomenal. Next week's Nielsens should suck for both series, though, which I suppose is a blessing.
Anyway, the camera pulls back from the monitor to reveal Phoebe seated with Annabelle Gurwitch on the set of the worst public access talk show ever -- something called Chit-Chat: This And That. The sign informing us of the show's title seems to have been fashioned from poster board and tin foil, with the lettering finger-painted by a gang of special-ed eleven-year-olds from San Bruno. Annabelle's playing "Nina Halter," the toxically saucy authoress of a book entitled The Five-Minute Orgasm. Many of you will recognize Annabelle as the co-host of Dinner And A Movie, which, incidentally, once had the best Friday-night double-feature ever of Steel Magnolias and Nine To Five. It was Fag Hell. And I mean that in the best way possible. "Drink your juice, Shelby." In any event, Phoebe's subbing for the show's regular host, and she's doing a spectacularly awful job of it, too. You see, she thinks The Five-Minute Orgasm instructs readers on how to have an orgasm in five minutes. Toxic Annabelle patiently explains that her book actually teaches people to have orgasms that last five minutes, and why am I even writing about this? This has absolutely nothing to do with this evening's plot. Nada. Zip. And thank God for that, too, because I know I couldn't take a five-minute-long scene of Phoebe yodeling as a result of Chronic's exuberant ministrations to her nether regions, so let's just get to the point.