Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT He Bought Me A Soda
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 13 | Aired on 01.17.2011
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.I mean, that was still great compared to other TV shows, so it seems unfair to call it a crummy episode, but... Between the odd PSA moments for Not Throwing Up and It Gets Better, and the unendingly queer prancing around of Aria and Ezra, this one just wasn't that sparkling. Shame.
Anyway, Emily's mom finds Maya's pot in her knapsack and, grasping at straws, decides that this is what's causing her daughter's lesbianism. Dude, if pot makes you gay, a whole bunch of shit just started making sense. Anyway, Maya's formerly cool parents send her off to Jesus Camp for a long time, but not before the girls kidnap her away for one last romantic night with Emily.
Also having one last romantic night -- all of which, I'm not kidding, include those Italian restaurant Chianti bottle candles, because that is the height of romance -- are Aria and Ezra, who got into a little bit of a chickfight with old Noel and called his bluff. Noel tells Aria's brother Mikey about the "rumor" and how it's all going down tomorrow, so Aria runs over to Ezra's and they mash their tears together and lick each other's palms and play Mother May I well into the dawn. But then next morning, A has framed Noel for cheating and busted his entire reputation, so I guess Ezra doesn't have to quit after all.
Hanna -- last seen being tempted after A stole the money that Hanna's mom stole, which whole scenario was so shocking that it made her broken leg heal itself overnight -- gets teased about her bulimia by A some more, and probably some other stuff, too, but I didn't notice because her house is so gorgeous and her mom is so gorgeous and she is so gorgeous that it's hard to believe in complaining when all of that is going on at once.
Spencer feels a modicum of sympathy for Toby, who is wandering the streets now as a pariah, but not so much that she thinks about it one single time after that. She tries to nail Ian down on the Hilton Head visit and even brings up Alison to him, but he stonewalls her. Then Melissa starts talking about how she wants to have his Eddie Munster-looking babies and has become a total Stepford mess, but even A is skeptical about that: She thinks their whole marriage is a sham to give Ian an alibi for Alison's death.
When that FBI lady starts talking about leaving town, the girls know they only have one shot to get a real bead on the killer, or else Toby's going to jail and their real enemy goes free. But in a day full of good deeds by A, the last one's the real shocker: She sends them the entire Kissing Rock video, including Ian's stupid face and what seems to be Alison breathing out her last, clutching at the dirt and then respiring. The Liars chase A out into the woods, but lose her once again... And begin to realize A's agenda is much larger than just messing with their heads -- or occasionally running them over with cars.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Well, again besides Ella Montgomery, but I hear she'll be back on the show soon. So Hanna joins the ladies and Emily tries real hard -- "Looks like someone traded in her wheels for heels!" -- and of course Hanna corrects her -- "They're flats? But they are Ferragamos" -- and then Agent Cooper sighs about how she's going to miss that sweet, quaint Rosewood cuisine and coffee, since she's wrapped up the case against Toby and has no reason to stay... Unless they give her one.
The Liars keep mum until she's gone, and head to school. Spencer points out that Ian was fully fucking Allison and that he's a good reason for lovely Cooper to stay. But Aria goes to this Mavis place with it, all about how Cooper's not some small-town cop that's gonna arrest Spencer's brother-in-law just because Ali carved his name into a tree, which has since also vanished. And if you put it that way, sure, except Cooper would also be like, "And how come you guys are always getting run over and blackmailed and stuff? Let's just spitball a second."
So I guess it's been established that Noel led them to the tree, or absence of tree, or both? I admit I wasn't clear on the whole tree thing at any point, so maybe that's true. Or they're just saying Noel did that because he is A, in which case you're just trying to confuse me. They finally start wondering if A is actually trying to help them find the killer, because if so that's unique but also, if you put those two half-facts together: "How could Noel even know about Ian and Ali?" Because, as Aria points out, Noel is literally always around. And thank God for that.
Like right now, Noel and Mike are having a big old cute-off out in the courtyard, which can only spell trouble because even if he's neither A nor the Killa, he's still after Ezra and running Hanna over with cars and being sketchy. For some reason somebody, I think Emily, calls Spencer "Veronica Mars" in this really bitchy way that didn't make any sense, and then they decide that they have to go through all of Ian's stuff that's in Spencer house. Because when you murder somebody's best friend, you should gather all the evidence you can and transport it her home, to make revenge all the easier to obtain.
Emily's dad is officially gone -- maybe that's why she's being weird -- which means it's just Emily, Maya and Pam's Homophobia in the house these days. The Liars all coo and aww and whatever about their lesbian love affair, and it's squirmingly uncool but not in a gay way: That's just how teenagers are: Flesh-crawlingly into each other's sex lives. It Gets Better, y'all.