Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT He Bought Me A Soda
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 13 | Aired on 01.17.2011
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.I mean, that was still great compared to other TV shows, so it seems unfair to call it a crummy episode, but... Between the odd PSA moments for Not Throwing Up and It Gets Better, and the unendingly queer prancing around of Aria and Ezra, this one just wasn't that sparkling. Shame.
Anyway, Emily's mom finds Maya's pot in her knapsack and, grasping at straws, decides that this is what's causing her daughter's lesbianism. Dude, if pot makes you gay, a whole bunch of shit just started making sense. Anyway, Maya's formerly cool parents send her off to Jesus Camp for a long time, but not before the girls kidnap her away for one last romantic night with Emily.
Also having one last romantic night -- all of which, I'm not kidding, include those Italian restaurant Chianti bottle candles, because that is the height of romance -- are Aria and Ezra, who got into a little bit of a chickfight with old Noel and called his bluff. Noel tells Aria's brother Mikey about the "rumor" and how it's all going down tomorrow, so Aria runs over to Ezra's and they mash their tears together and lick each other's palms and play Mother May I well into the dawn. But then next morning, A has framed Noel for cheating and busted his entire reputation, so I guess Ezra doesn't have to quit after all.
Hanna -- last seen being tempted after A stole the money that Hanna's mom stole, which whole scenario was so shocking that it made her broken leg heal itself overnight -- gets teased about her bulimia by A some more, and probably some other stuff, too, but I didn't notice because her house is so gorgeous and her mom is so gorgeous and she is so gorgeous that it's hard to believe in complaining when all of that is going on at once.
Spencer feels a modicum of sympathy for Toby, who is wandering the streets now as a pariah, but not so much that she thinks about it one single time after that. She tries to nail Ian down on the Hilton Head visit and even brings up Alison to him, but he stonewalls her. Then Melissa starts talking about how she wants to have his Eddie Munster-looking babies and has become a total Stepford mess, but even A is skeptical about that: She thinks their whole marriage is a sham to give Ian an alibi for Alison's death.
When that FBI lady starts talking about leaving town, the girls know they only have one shot to get a real bead on the killer, or else Toby's going to jail and their real enemy goes free. But in a day full of good deeds by A, the last one's the real shocker: She sends them the entire Kissing Rock video, including Ian's stupid face and what seems to be Alison breathing out her last, clutching at the dirt and then respiring. The Liars chase A out into the woods, but lose her once again... And begin to realize A's agenda is much larger than just messing with their heads -- or occasionally running them over with cars.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Ezra's humming "To Sir, With Love" as he packs up his shit and gets ready to leave this school he's been teaching at for half a year or so, and just when he's getting to the high part with all his bags packed, bidding a drippy and silent adieu to his nymphet in the hallway, who should be discovered hoarding stolen midterms but one Noel Kahn? That's right. A even sends an awesome gloating text: "A is for Alison, not Amateur." That was awesome! And thanks, A. Thanks so very much for keeping those two crazy kids together.
So now back at Spencer's, Aria's old pastime of defending Noel has become defending A, leading to a hilarious conversation among the Liars where Aria's all, "But A saved my relationship" and the rest of them are "AND RAN OVER HANNA" and she's like, "But my special snowflake love relationship" and they're like, "BITCH, SHE RAN OVER HANNA WITH A CAR" and it's so, so funny. Aria finally compromises that yes, she ran over Hanna, but only because Hanna had figured out that she was Noe... No, that doesn't work out. But for Aria it does, because of love.
Melissa comes in and Hanna crawls right up her ass about how men can't be trusted and marriage is a lie signed in blood and all this shit, and Melissa ignores her with a fair amount of grace considering how inappropriately she is acting out -- I guess used to the big lifelong fight with Spence -- all, "That's how my mom felt... Before my Dad met Isabelle," and whatever, and Melissa's like, "Ian never looks at other women. Only pubescent girls. So I clearly have nothing to worry about."
Emily arrives and the Liars hustle her upstairs, where they are keeping Maya, so they can do their lady-lovin' before Maya ships out, and it's super sweet -- very realistic enjoyment of this by the Liars, very sweet and believable reconciliation scene among a million candles upstairs -- and actually it's very romantic and more than a little hot.
Well, except for how downstairs the other Liars are listening to them do it while looking through Ian's old comic book collection. Or maybe that's just one of those things where this show is too real and I can't handle it. The realness.
Somebody watches through the window as Aria finds a copy of the newspaper the day Alison disappeared -- "Everyone kept that," Spencer sniffs -- and then refreshed and exhausted, the two ladies eventually come downstairs fully loved, and once Maya's gone and they've kissed and cried their little hearts out, Hanna tells a funny/scary story about how this is the same camp, True North, where Betsy Berger was sent "for huffing spray paint" and "came back as a drummer in a gospel band."