Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT He Bought Me A Soda
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 13 | Aired on 01.17.2011
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.I mean, that was still great compared to other TV shows, so it seems unfair to call it a crummy episode, but... Between the odd PSA moments for Not Throwing Up and It Gets Better, and the unendingly queer prancing around of Aria and Ezra, this one just wasn't that sparkling. Shame.
Anyway, Emily's mom finds Maya's pot in her knapsack and, grasping at straws, decides that this is what's causing her daughter's lesbianism. Dude, if pot makes you gay, a whole bunch of shit just started making sense. Anyway, Maya's formerly cool parents send her off to Jesus Camp for a long time, but not before the girls kidnap her away for one last romantic night with Emily.
Also having one last romantic night -- all of which, I'm not kidding, include those Italian restaurant Chianti bottle candles, because that is the height of romance -- are Aria and Ezra, who got into a little bit of a chickfight with old Noel and called his bluff. Noel tells Aria's brother Mikey about the "rumor" and how it's all going down tomorrow, so Aria runs over to Ezra's and they mash their tears together and lick each other's palms and play Mother May I well into the dawn. But then next morning, A has framed Noel for cheating and busted his entire reputation, so I guess Ezra doesn't have to quit after all.
Hanna -- last seen being tempted after A stole the money that Hanna's mom stole, which whole scenario was so shocking that it made her broken leg heal itself overnight -- gets teased about her bulimia by A some more, and probably some other stuff, too, but I didn't notice because her house is so gorgeous and her mom is so gorgeous and she is so gorgeous that it's hard to believe in complaining when all of that is going on at once.
Spencer feels a modicum of sympathy for Toby, who is wandering the streets now as a pariah, but not so much that she thinks about it one single time after that. She tries to nail Ian down on the Hilton Head visit and even brings up Alison to him, but he stonewalls her. Then Melissa starts talking about how she wants to have his Eddie Munster-looking babies and has become a total Stepford mess, but even A is skeptical about that: She thinks their whole marriage is a sham to give Ian an alibi for Alison's death.
When that FBI lady starts talking about leaving town, the girls know they only have one shot to get a real bead on the killer, or else Toby's going to jail and their real enemy goes free. But in a day full of good deeds by A, the last one's the real shocker: She sends them the entire Kissing Rock video, including Ian's stupid face and what seems to be Alison breathing out her last, clutching at the dirt and then respiring. The Liars chase A out into the woods, but lose her once again... And begin to realize A's agenda is much larger than just messing with their heads -- or occasionally running them over with cars.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Ian comes in and threatens to beat up Melissa's body for telling Spencer about their babymaking idea, but Spence covers and says she found out on her own, and has no opinions beyond how it's disgusting to think that his Eddie Munster face will be passed down another generation, and Ian's like, "Oh, I know Spencer can keep a secret. Like how I molested her when she was a child, for just one example off the top of my head."
Hanna, why are you fussing with that unlucky lasagna box? "I'm not, I'm cooking it! Carbs are no longer a problem for me!" Hanna, why are you really fussing with the lasagna box? "Because I have to cram all this money in it!" Hanna, how did you get that money? "Eating cupcakes and shaming myself!" Hanna, how did you really get that money? "I found it! A wad of hundies on the floor of Lucky Leon's Cupcake Hut & Vomitorium." Hanna, why didn't you return it to the manager? "You, all right? I learned it by watching YOU!" Hanna, are we going to keep this money? "I'll keep eating cupcakes and making my dime, you just worry about spending it little lady." Hanna, I'm your mother so I always know when you're lying. But I'm also about the flakiest person that ever lived, so I accept your terms.
Hanna wonders if she really does have a tell -- Ashley's not giving that one up -- and then stares herself in the mirror: "I am still a virgin." Real or not real? Real or not real: "I am not a virgin."
Am I supposed to know what that was about? Because one of them is a lie and one of them isn't, and I thought she was still a virgin, so I guess this is a thing where she doesn't want people to know that... Right, so yeah, which is why she was all over Sean's poor gay dick that time and then stole his car, when we saw just how much awesome shit can happen when ol' Hanna turns it up to eleven. We need another Hanna rampage STAT.
And over on this channel, the Lifetime Original Movie Aria & Ezra: A Couple Of Queerbutts.
Nope, no sir, no today. I get that Aria's a special princess -- and the all-important Shusher -- and that their relationship is the big thing of the show, and the show knows what it's doing, and 'shippers are the toxic but all-powerful Big Tobacco Lobby of all entertainment now, but God those two just make me want to sit on a knife.
So now it's morning and there's this amazing scene where Spencer hilariously corrects Hanna's pronunciation of "nuclear" -- clearly the funniest and best thing in this whole episode -- in reference to Melissa's oncoming scourge of a Rosemary's Baby, and they're like, "Either Ian has brainwashed her with his molester powers, or, you know, Melissa is a bad-ass, which we know to be true... So it's a conundrum." Spencer's going to have to go through those boxes of evidence Ian has helpfully supplied. But before they can talk about that more, Emily runs up under a black and heavy cloud of lesbian trauma, because Maya's off to juvie camp for three months. What happened? "My mother, that's what happened."