Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT He Bought Me A Soda
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 13 | Aired on 01.17.2011
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.I mean, that was still great compared to other TV shows, so it seems unfair to call it a crummy episode, but... Between the odd PSA moments for Not Throwing Up and It Gets Better, and the unendingly queer prancing around of Aria and Ezra, this one just wasn't that sparkling. Shame.
Anyway, Emily's mom finds Maya's pot in her knapsack and, grasping at straws, decides that this is what's causing her daughter's lesbianism. Dude, if pot makes you gay, a whole bunch of shit just started making sense. Anyway, Maya's formerly cool parents send her off to Jesus Camp for a long time, but not before the girls kidnap her away for one last romantic night with Emily.
Also having one last romantic night -- all of which, I'm not kidding, include those Italian restaurant Chianti bottle candles, because that is the height of romance -- are Aria and Ezra, who got into a little bit of a chickfight with old Noel and called his bluff. Noel tells Aria's brother Mikey about the "rumor" and how it's all going down tomorrow, so Aria runs over to Ezra's and they mash their tears together and lick each other's palms and play Mother May I well into the dawn. But then next morning, A has framed Noel for cheating and busted his entire reputation, so I guess Ezra doesn't have to quit after all.
Hanna -- last seen being tempted after A stole the money that Hanna's mom stole, which whole scenario was so shocking that it made her broken leg heal itself overnight -- gets teased about her bulimia by A some more, and probably some other stuff, too, but I didn't notice because her house is so gorgeous and her mom is so gorgeous and she is so gorgeous that it's hard to believe in complaining when all of that is going on at once.
Spencer feels a modicum of sympathy for Toby, who is wandering the streets now as a pariah, but not so much that she thinks about it one single time after that. She tries to nail Ian down on the Hilton Head visit and even brings up Alison to him, but he stonewalls her. Then Melissa starts talking about how she wants to have his Eddie Munster-looking babies and has become a total Stepford mess, but even A is skeptical about that: She thinks their whole marriage is a sham to give Ian an alibi for Alison's death.
When that FBI lady starts talking about leaving town, the girls know they only have one shot to get a real bead on the killer, or else Toby's going to jail and their real enemy goes free. But in a day full of good deeds by A, the last one's the real shocker: She sends them the entire Kissing Rock video, including Ian's stupid face and what seems to be Alison breathing out her last, clutching at the dirt and then respiring. The Liars chase A out into the woods, but lose her once again... And begin to realize A's agenda is much larger than just messing with their heads -- or occasionally running them over with cars.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Well, and now but even saying that about the Gay Character feels super-subjective -- any good writer, which teen show writers have to be, more than any other kind of show, is not ever writing a "Gay Character" -- so I'll drop it. But there's a difference between being told there's no difference v. seeing (and being party to, as a viewer**) that lack of a difference.
**(Even with the cringy shots every half-second to the other Liars constantly approving of her homosexuality -- which is also helping, of course -- you still gotta think about how the other option right now is Glee, which is a wonderful show when it's good, and which is like getting tied up and indoctrinated by a sheltered, shaven-headed sophomore Women's Studies major from Vassar's class of '99 when it's not, i.e., Generation X Bullshit + Second-Wave Feminism = DEATH.)
Aria goes to yell at the football players -- who are still oinking at Hanna, somehow -- and they watch Noel for awhile as Aria wipes her tears and learns about the sick magic of bulimia that Ali turned Hefty Hanna onto in the first place. Aria is incredibly awesome in this scene, I'll say it. And now Hanna's doing okay, which is also a good thing; she even admits as a proof of strength that A/Noel who is still hanging around has something on her mom. "What does he want you to do?" Aria immediately gets it. They don't really talk about what it is, though, because that storyline's still happening.
Hanna heads into the bathroom of the cupcake place, pointedly slamming the door in the toilet's face, and then on the paper towel roll it comes out OINK OINK, because A must have assumed she'd run off to barf, and Hanna just growls awesomely, "He is such a bitch!" I kind of wish Noel was A, just so they could keep responding to him that way. But the next piece of paper towel, and the one after that, are taped with $100 bills. So Hanna pulls and pulls and gets to the end, tummy issues fully ignored, and of course Aria comes in after a pee-ish length of time to make sure she's not barfing, and she shoves the cash in her giant crazy-girl purse, and they leave together.
While Mrs. Fields is going through Maya's shit, of course, she finds her pot stash we haven't seen or heard about since the pilot, and that's tough on everybody. At school, Noel and Ezra make out for about a million years, but he's still not changing the grade. Then over on the random street, Spencer's still stalking Toby, who is getting abused by like grandmas and little kids, and eventually he runs away to this alley so he can cry about it. Spencer follows, and I honestly thought for a second she was going to cut him a break, but no. She just watches him cry and thinks about her scapegoating habit and how it comes from feeling weird about her own secrets and how the only reason we ever do that to somebody else is to hand off the weight of our own shit, because we find ourselves unbearable. Also, Toby is actually kind of hot sometimes.