Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT He Bought Me A Soda
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 13 | Aired on 01.17.2011
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.I mean, that was still great compared to other TV shows, so it seems unfair to call it a crummy episode, but... Between the odd PSA moments for Not Throwing Up and It Gets Better, and the unendingly queer prancing around of Aria and Ezra, this one just wasn't that sparkling. Shame.
Anyway, Emily's mom finds Maya's pot in her knapsack and, grasping at straws, decides that this is what's causing her daughter's lesbianism. Dude, if pot makes you gay, a whole bunch of shit just started making sense. Anyway, Maya's formerly cool parents send her off to Jesus Camp for a long time, but not before the girls kidnap her away for one last romantic night with Emily.
Also having one last romantic night -- all of which, I'm not kidding, include those Italian restaurant Chianti bottle candles, because that is the height of romance -- are Aria and Ezra, who got into a little bit of a chickfight with old Noel and called his bluff. Noel tells Aria's brother Mikey about the "rumor" and how it's all going down tomorrow, so Aria runs over to Ezra's and they mash their tears together and lick each other's palms and play Mother May I well into the dawn. But then next morning, A has framed Noel for cheating and busted his entire reputation, so I guess Ezra doesn't have to quit after all.
Hanna -- last seen being tempted after A stole the money that Hanna's mom stole, which whole scenario was so shocking that it made her broken leg heal itself overnight -- gets teased about her bulimia by A some more, and probably some other stuff, too, but I didn't notice because her house is so gorgeous and her mom is so gorgeous and she is so gorgeous that it's hard to believe in complaining when all of that is going on at once.
Spencer feels a modicum of sympathy for Toby, who is wandering the streets now as a pariah, but not so much that she thinks about it one single time after that. She tries to nail Ian down on the Hilton Head visit and even brings up Alison to him, but he stonewalls her. Then Melissa starts talking about how she wants to have his Eddie Munster-looking babies and has become a total Stepford mess, but even A is skeptical about that: She thinks their whole marriage is a sham to give Ian an alibi for Alison's death.
When that FBI lady starts talking about leaving town, the girls know they only have one shot to get a real bead on the killer, or else Toby's going to jail and their real enemy goes free. But in a day full of good deeds by A, the last one's the real shocker: She sends them the entire Kissing Rock video, including Ian's stupid face and what seems to be Alison breathing out her last, clutching at the dirt and then respiring. The Liars chase A out into the woods, but lose her once again... And begin to realize A's agenda is much larger than just messing with their heads -- or occasionally running them over with cars.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Emily's still pissed when her mom comes in and admits that she found drugs, and that possibly smoking pot is what led to lesbianism. Which on the one hand is pretty pathetic and reaching, but on the other hand, with Emily's mom it's possible she actually believes this. I mean, you and I know pot isn't that big of a deal, but you Emily's mom's brain is like a Chick Tract that never stops coming up with shit.
So Mom's like, "I turned it over to Maya's parents. They may well have honor-killed her by now. Stop doing drugs and stop kissing people, but especially Maya who brought drugs into my house. I swear that it's not because you're gay, although that's also a huge problem." Emily's stance -- that she only searched her shit because she's a girl -- is probably a little bit right but mostly wrong, and anyway Mom managed to get to Dad in time too so now he thinks she's doing drugs too. Which sucks, because she's not. She's like, "Um, I am still totally in love with Maya though!" and Mom's heart breaks a little bit more, which was the point.
Things are also pissy at the Montgomerys', because of Mikey's issues with his mom being projected onto his dad, and even though he's clearly spiky in the aura, Aria's gotta know what Noel Kahn was talking to him about. "I saw you with him at school this morning. So are you guys like friends now or something? Since when?"
Every time anybody asks about Noel it sounds like they're asking if you're secretly gay with him, have you noticed this? Am I inventing it? No, it's because these girls are suspicious of everybody because everybody is suspicious, so they're asking people, boys, about their interactions with Noel in a super intense way which makes the boys act like there's something to hide. I'm sure that's all it is. I mean, they can't all be into it. What a crazy season finale that would be, though: "The hell did you think we were doing in Chastity Club?"
Anyway, is Noel piping hot, yes he is, does he ever ask or act stalkery about Aria, no he doesn't. BUT he is totally bringing the hammer down on this one teacher who's banging a student, as of tomorrow. Of course Byron Montgomery's ears perk up at this, stretching his facelift to its limits, because teachers fucking students is a very serious accusation. He asks Aria and her total lack of poise if she knows anything about it, and she looks him right in the eye and goes, "Dad. I totally screwed up." You can see his heart skip a beat and but then Aria's like, "...Because I have a midterm to study for!" So she runs away into the night, and all the forty people that constantly hang out in her front yard spying on her because they are A snigger behind her back, like "Nice save, Aria."