Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT He Bought Me A Soda
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 13 | Aired on 01.17.2011
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.I mean, that was still great compared to other TV shows, so it seems unfair to call it a crummy episode, but... Between the odd PSA moments for Not Throwing Up and It Gets Better, and the unendingly queer prancing around of Aria and Ezra, this one just wasn't that sparkling. Shame.
Anyway, Emily's mom finds Maya's pot in her knapsack and, grasping at straws, decides that this is what's causing her daughter's lesbianism. Dude, if pot makes you gay, a whole bunch of shit just started making sense. Anyway, Maya's formerly cool parents send her off to Jesus Camp for a long time, but not before the girls kidnap her away for one last romantic night with Emily.
Also having one last romantic night -- all of which, I'm not kidding, include those Italian restaurant Chianti bottle candles, because that is the height of romance -- are Aria and Ezra, who got into a little bit of a chickfight with old Noel and called his bluff. Noel tells Aria's brother Mikey about the "rumor" and how it's all going down tomorrow, so Aria runs over to Ezra's and they mash their tears together and lick each other's palms and play Mother May I well into the dawn. But then next morning, A has framed Noel for cheating and busted his entire reputation, so I guess Ezra doesn't have to quit after all.
Hanna -- last seen being tempted after A stole the money that Hanna's mom stole, which whole scenario was so shocking that it made her broken leg heal itself overnight -- gets teased about her bulimia by A some more, and probably some other stuff, too, but I didn't notice because her house is so gorgeous and her mom is so gorgeous and she is so gorgeous that it's hard to believe in complaining when all of that is going on at once.
Spencer feels a modicum of sympathy for Toby, who is wandering the streets now as a pariah, but not so much that she thinks about it one single time after that. She tries to nail Ian down on the Hilton Head visit and even brings up Alison to him, but he stonewalls her. Then Melissa starts talking about how she wants to have his Eddie Munster-looking babies and has become a total Stepford mess, but even A is skeptical about that: She thinks their whole marriage is a sham to give Ian an alibi for Alison's death.
When that FBI lady starts talking about leaving town, the girls know they only have one shot to get a real bead on the killer, or else Toby's going to jail and their real enemy goes free. But in a day full of good deeds by A, the last one's the real shocker: She sends them the entire Kissing Rock video, including Ian's stupid face and what seems to be Alison breathing out her last, clutching at the dirt and then respiring. The Liars chase A out into the woods, but lose her once again... And begin to realize A's agenda is much larger than just messing with their heads -- or occasionally running them over with cars.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Unless you never come out of the closet at all. Take Noel Kahn, for example, who comes pirouetting into Ezra's classroom to make this observation: "Nice vest. This is your Teacher Look, right?" His point being that A) he is too gay to function and B) he's real observant about things. Things like who Ezra's dick is in, and how old they are. They have a carbon-copy of the "change my grade" fight from last week, and Ezra refuses, and Noel doesn't even get that, like why with the honor and sticking to your guns, and Ezra because he is insufferable goes, "If you have to ask the question, you wouldn't understand my answer."
Ugh. And if that weren't enough to get his dander up, Noel's also laboring under one of those grades v. football issues, which makes this paper a serious and urgent matter. Noel applies some more pressure, and finally Ezra caves and says he'll read the paper, which Noel says he's rewritten. All I know is, if you're that capable of condescending to teenagers, then you are for sure a statutory rapist if you sleep with them. You're either down here in the mud with us, or up in the tower with the rest of the olds.
Although it helps to answer the question, What do the guys on this show do when the Liars aren't around? I would have guessed "Stand around staring creepily at each other," and it turns out I would have been 100% correct in that assumption.
Toby shows up at school and it is totally hardcore dreadful for him, even Spencer's touched. Somebody wrote KILLER on his locker, because I guess HOLLOW-EYED RELUCTANT SISTER-FUCKER is too long to all fit on there.
Hanna's got PT after school, so she can't have coffee with Aria's blue feather earrings, but she does have time to hit the cupcake store, where A has sent her to eat a dozen cupcakes in public. Of course, Noel's creeping around the whole time, and of course, all the cupcakes have piggy faces in the icing, and Noel stares and stares, and it's all very horrifying. But does she do it? You bet your ass she does. Sad music and all.
Some boys from the team sit down next to her -- football players love nothing more after school than to hang out at cupcake stores, shootin' the breeze and practicing how to kiss -- and it's real, real gross, and they go "Oink oink" and laugh at her, even though -- am I wrong about this? -- she's still technically the Regina George of Rosewood and dating but not fucking their quarterback. Has that changed?