Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT He Bought Me A Soda
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 13 | Aired on 01.17.2011
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.I mean, that was still great compared to other TV shows, so it seems unfair to call it a crummy episode, but... Between the odd PSA moments for Not Throwing Up and It Gets Better, and the unendingly queer prancing around of Aria and Ezra, this one just wasn't that sparkling. Shame.
Anyway, Emily's mom finds Maya's pot in her knapsack and, grasping at straws, decides that this is what's causing her daughter's lesbianism. Dude, if pot makes you gay, a whole bunch of shit just started making sense. Anyway, Maya's formerly cool parents send her off to Jesus Camp for a long time, but not before the girls kidnap her away for one last romantic night with Emily.
Also having one last romantic night -- all of which, I'm not kidding, include those Italian restaurant Chianti bottle candles, because that is the height of romance -- are Aria and Ezra, who got into a little bit of a chickfight with old Noel and called his bluff. Noel tells Aria's brother Mikey about the "rumor" and how it's all going down tomorrow, so Aria runs over to Ezra's and they mash their tears together and lick each other's palms and play Mother May I well into the dawn. But then next morning, A has framed Noel for cheating and busted his entire reputation, so I guess Ezra doesn't have to quit after all.
Hanna -- last seen being tempted after A stole the money that Hanna's mom stole, which whole scenario was so shocking that it made her broken leg heal itself overnight -- gets teased about her bulimia by A some more, and probably some other stuff, too, but I didn't notice because her house is so gorgeous and her mom is so gorgeous and she is so gorgeous that it's hard to believe in complaining when all of that is going on at once.
Spencer feels a modicum of sympathy for Toby, who is wandering the streets now as a pariah, but not so much that she thinks about it one single time after that. She tries to nail Ian down on the Hilton Head visit and even brings up Alison to him, but he stonewalls her. Then Melissa starts talking about how she wants to have his Eddie Munster-looking babies and has become a total Stepford mess, but even A is skeptical about that: She thinks their whole marriage is a sham to give Ian an alibi for Alison's death.
When that FBI lady starts talking about leaving town, the girls know they only have one shot to get a real bead on the killer, or else Toby's going to jail and their real enemy goes free. But in a day full of good deeds by A, the last one's the real shocker: She sends them the entire Kissing Rock video, including Ian's stupid face and what seems to be Alison breathing out her last, clutching at the dirt and then respiring. The Liars chase A out into the woods, but lose her once again... And begin to realize A's agenda is much larger than just messing with their heads -- or occasionally running them over with cars.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Hanna: Better friends. Even Mona's never huffed paint, for God's sake.
So Aria's all like, "Luckily, Maya's an amazing person," and it's that -- combined with the fact that she is a forty-year-old woman masquerading as a high school student -- which will help her get through this in the end.
Then A sends them a present: "Don't say I never gave you anything. Turn on your computer." And they do, and there's the Kissing Rock video. Including the whole part where Alison turns the camera around and her secret boyfriend is Ian... And the even secreter part where he apparently kills her ass. Or gives her a screaming orgasm, one of the two.
The Liars shriek 1) once when they see Ian's face, 2) again when Alison drops to the ground and starts clutching at the dirt, and 3) finally when that mysterious shape goes zooming past Spencer's window. It is awesome how much and how many times they all jump in the air and scream, in a very short amount of time, and then they run out into the woods yelling for A -- "Bitch moves fast," I think Spencer laughs -- and of course they miss her entirely. Or it's Lucas, you know. Or Noel.
Or Jenna. I like to think that Jenna's blindness has given her Native American cocaine powers where she can just sort of run through the woods really fast without being tracked or leaving a single sign.
Next week: Hanna and Ashley take up go-go dancing to support their shared pill habit, eventually moving into a great big house in East Hampton where they can feed the raccoons and trim the privet in peace, with only Toby Cavanaugh the Marble Faun to keep them company. Spencer carries all of Ian's shit to Philly on her own back, stopping only to forage for food, in a desperate attempt to finally live in a barn.
After walking in on Noel and Sean doin' it, Ezra realizes he never loved Aria and is in fact just a garden-variety pedo; he turns himself in for chemical castration, taking along Jenna Cavanaugh for moral support. They open a halfway house for creeps together, and Byron becomes their handyman. Mona makes a deal with the devil to take control of D&D Advertising for good, but it backfires on her in a shocking way that could have grave consequences for the whole apartment complex.
Ella Montgomery reveals that she's been working for the CIA this whole time, and goes back under deep cover after telling Mike a secret about his parentage that will leave you reeling. Maya joins the Polyphonic Spree, causing Emily to break the fuck up with her -- ironically, just as her mother is deciding that Maya's newfound creepy Christian values make her the perfect daughter-in-law!