Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT He Bought Me A Soda
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 13 | Aired on 01.17.2011
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.I mean, that was still great compared to other TV shows, so it seems unfair to call it a crummy episode, but... Between the odd PSA moments for Not Throwing Up and It Gets Better, and the unendingly queer prancing around of Aria and Ezra, this one just wasn't that sparkling. Shame.
Anyway, Emily's mom finds Maya's pot in her knapsack and, grasping at straws, decides that this is what's causing her daughter's lesbianism. Dude, if pot makes you gay, a whole bunch of shit just started making sense. Anyway, Maya's formerly cool parents send her off to Jesus Camp for a long time, but not before the girls kidnap her away for one last romantic night with Emily.
Also having one last romantic night -- all of which, I'm not kidding, include those Italian restaurant Chianti bottle candles, because that is the height of romance -- are Aria and Ezra, who got into a little bit of a chickfight with old Noel and called his bluff. Noel tells Aria's brother Mikey about the "rumor" and how it's all going down tomorrow, so Aria runs over to Ezra's and they mash their tears together and lick each other's palms and play Mother May I well into the dawn. But then next morning, A has framed Noel for cheating and busted his entire reputation, so I guess Ezra doesn't have to quit after all.
Hanna -- last seen being tempted after A stole the money that Hanna's mom stole, which whole scenario was so shocking that it made her broken leg heal itself overnight -- gets teased about her bulimia by A some more, and probably some other stuff, too, but I didn't notice because her house is so gorgeous and her mom is so gorgeous and she is so gorgeous that it's hard to believe in complaining when all of that is going on at once.
Spencer feels a modicum of sympathy for Toby, who is wandering the streets now as a pariah, but not so much that she thinks about it one single time after that. She tries to nail Ian down on the Hilton Head visit and even brings up Alison to him, but he stonewalls her. Then Melissa starts talking about how she wants to have his Eddie Munster-looking babies and has become a total Stepford mess, but even A is skeptical about that: She thinks their whole marriage is a sham to give Ian an alibi for Alison's death.
When that FBI lady starts talking about leaving town, the girls know they only have one shot to get a real bead on the killer, or else Toby's going to jail and their real enemy goes free. But in a day full of good deeds by A, the last one's the real shocker: She sends them the entire Kissing Rock video, including Ian's stupid face and what seems to be Alison breathing out her last, clutching at the dirt and then respiring. The Liars chase A out into the woods, but lose her once again... And begin to realize A's agenda is much larger than just messing with their heads -- or occasionally running them over with cars.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Anyway, Hanna remembers the time she Heftily ate a whole pie and Alison immediately showed up to teach her the art of bulimia, wearing a ridiculous purple dress that looked more like a bathing suit with a belt. She hugged her fat crying ass and then thought to herself, "You know what would destroy the shit out of this girl?" And then stuck her finger down Hanna's throat. Bitch knows what she's doing. And in realtime, Hanna's still sucking down those cupcakes so her mom can keep buying crap.
Spotting naked girl legs waving around cutely in the air through Emily's half-open door, her mom of course shits a brick even though they're just giggling over a magazine. "Pam," says Maya stupidly, "I promise we were studying. That's all." Right sentiment, wrong form of address. If anything we can say that Maya is teaching us exactly how not to act around the mom of your gay boy- or girlfriend. Or not gay, actually, now that I think about it. If you've ever been the one coming into the unwelcome house. And I mean, precisely not. WWMND. Learn it, live it.
Anyway, Mom makes damn sure Maya knows it's "Mrs. Fields," and Maya bounces with a very stern "You didn't do anything wrong" to the chronically apologizing Emily, and once she's gone Emily says, and who could blame her, "For the first time in my life, I am ashamed that you're my mother." Heartbreaking for everybody, and again because it's so hard to draw the line between being weirded out by your kid dating v. your kid dating gay, because they're both eventually going to the scary place where no parent can directly look, so you get your adult politics mixed up with your very personal stuff, and it's an apocalypse but also the most common one I can think of.
So: Nia Peeples is a very gifted lady, and this is a very laudable storyline.
On TV, we're so used to taking whatever we can get that it's important to say that: The mere presence of gay teens is not enough. Good gay stories are what keep us from killing ourselves. And this show might be outdoing Degrassi in that department, as of right now.* Emily's not the Gay Character (that's Maya, and Noel) she's our Emily: Our Big Sweet Gay Emily. Mrs. Fields is not the Issues Voter That Will Eventually Come Around, she's this complicated, unbelievably strong, fairly awesome woman who happens to find herself horrified by what a bitch she's being, but can't stop.
*(I mean, it's not a competition; Degrassi is magic, but so far away and so issues-oriented -- and so sweetly Canadian -- that it sort of wrecks the curve for everybody else.)