Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT He Bought Me A Soda
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 13 | Aired on 01.17.2011
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.I mean, that was still great compared to other TV shows, so it seems unfair to call it a crummy episode, but... Between the odd PSA moments for Not Throwing Up and It Gets Better, and the unendingly queer prancing around of Aria and Ezra, this one just wasn't that sparkling. Shame.
Anyway, Emily's mom finds Maya's pot in her knapsack and, grasping at straws, decides that this is what's causing her daughter's lesbianism. Dude, if pot makes you gay, a whole bunch of shit just started making sense. Anyway, Maya's formerly cool parents send her off to Jesus Camp for a long time, but not before the girls kidnap her away for one last romantic night with Emily.
Also having one last romantic night -- all of which, I'm not kidding, include those Italian restaurant Chianti bottle candles, because that is the height of romance -- are Aria and Ezra, who got into a little bit of a chickfight with old Noel and called his bluff. Noel tells Aria's brother Mikey about the "rumor" and how it's all going down tomorrow, so Aria runs over to Ezra's and they mash their tears together and lick each other's palms and play Mother May I well into the dawn. But then next morning, A has framed Noel for cheating and busted his entire reputation, so I guess Ezra doesn't have to quit after all.
Hanna -- last seen being tempted after A stole the money that Hanna's mom stole, which whole scenario was so shocking that it made her broken leg heal itself overnight -- gets teased about her bulimia by A some more, and probably some other stuff, too, but I didn't notice because her house is so gorgeous and her mom is so gorgeous and she is so gorgeous that it's hard to believe in complaining when all of that is going on at once.
Spencer feels a modicum of sympathy for Toby, who is wandering the streets now as a pariah, but not so much that she thinks about it one single time after that. She tries to nail Ian down on the Hilton Head visit and even brings up Alison to him, but he stonewalls her. Then Melissa starts talking about how she wants to have his Eddie Munster-looking babies and has become a total Stepford mess, but even A is skeptical about that: She thinks their whole marriage is a sham to give Ian an alibi for Alison's death.
When that FBI lady starts talking about leaving town, the girls know they only have one shot to get a real bead on the killer, or else Toby's going to jail and their real enemy goes free. But in a day full of good deeds by A, the last one's the real shocker: She sends them the entire Kissing Rock video, including Ian's stupid face and what seems to be Alison breathing out her last, clutching at the dirt and then respiring. The Liars chase A out into the woods, but lose her once again... And begin to realize A's agenda is much larger than just messing with their heads -- or occasionally running them over with cars.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!...Over hills and vales, through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, wearing a Prom dress, wearing a frilly nightgown, carrying a candelabra and a valise full of poetry by its broken handle, on angels' wings, on clouds of passion and yearning, and she also took a bus that was two transfers and one of them smelled like urine, Aria finally comes in unto the garret of her beloved.
Ezra explains that Noel has him over a barrel -- twice today already, heh -- and so the only way he can keep her okay and not tainted by the grossness of their gross relationship is to quit his job. This is the kind of shit that he says: "What you and I have is the most real and honest thing in my life. And that's something I hope you remember. No matter what happens tomorrow, that won't change. I'm not going to change Noel's grade, and I will not let him hurt you. If I resign tomorrow and get the hell out of Rosewood, he'll have no reason to tell anybody about us. Hey. Even though this doesn't look right, it has always felt right. And I will not let him change this into something that feels wrong. I just can't."
And they kiss and whatever, SWAT comes bursting in the door and fills him with lead for being a skeevy motherfucker, because listen up: If somebody ever says to you "Even though this doesn't look right it has always felt right," you get your ass to a safe location and you call the cops, call your parents, call the JLA, Ghostbusters, Megatron, whoever, because it is: Neither. They just said that, by saying that. God, even Toby Cavanaugh eventually stopped believing Jenna about that. And look what happened to him. You wanna nip these situations in the bud, you see. I don't care if you're a teen or just a forty-year-old with low self-esteem: Things that don't "look" right are generally not right, and that's how come they look that way.
Melissa comes in with shopping and invites Spencer to dinner with the parents, which means Ian won't be around tonight when/if the inevitable Something that always Happens, happens. She drops an ovulation kit on the floor, which Spencer sees before she can whisk it away, and it turns out that having gotten married five seconds ago, Melissa's planning on having six kids by next week.
"What about the Wharton School?" Who gives a shit, Broheim? I got my motherfuckin' M.R.S.! What-what?
"Who the hell are you turning into?" Listen Mommalady, I have been getting this weekly newsletter that's really changed my priorities. It's called GOOP and have you heard of it.