Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Baby's First Sucky Episode
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 16 | Aired on 03.29.2003
Banter about naming the unfortunate infant "Potter" follows, during which the Dolt confesses that the kid'll be a Halliwell regardless of his first name. "Demons fear" and "good magic respects" the family name, and the Dolt wants what's best for his son. Aw. Not. Speaking of the unfortunate infant, The Done One takes this opportunity to squeal and wriggle around in his bassinet. Piper decides it's nap time, and boots her sisters from the room before gently tucking a blue, triquatra-emblazoned blanket around the kid. The camera eases in towards the infant, and I swear to God they switched babies for this shot. For one thing, this Done One has less hair. For another, he's Asian. Couldn't they find a suitable pair of twins for these scenes?
Whatever. Piper and the Dolt leave The Done One to rest and follow Phoebe and Raige into the hall, where Raige reveals that she's installed a supernatural alarm around the kid's crib in anticipation of the demonic attack that immediately follows this scene. It involves cowrie shells, but damned if I know how. As Raige vanishes into The Prue Halliwell Memorial Bimbo Boudoir Of Paisley Tit Slings And Other Fashion Atrocities, Phoebe tries to sneak back into Piper's room to watch The Done One sleep. Piper and the Dolt bust her and order her off to work to meet her new boss. Seems P3's receipts are down as of late, and with Raige still unemployed, Phoebe's income from The Bay Mirror is the only thing keeping them in diapers. Phoebe gratingly baby-talks that "new aunties" deserve maternity leave too before eventually disappearing down the stairs. The Dolt levels his gaze at the wife and wonders when Piper's going to have a word with the Feebs regarding the latter's unhealthy attachment to The Done One. "Yesterday, she was giving you breastfeeding advice," he gripes, "and now she wants maternity leave?" "Well," Piper stammers, "she knows a lot about breasts!" Try "implants," doll. Never mentioned during this discussion? The purloined and vanquished Phoetus, which, while purportedly evil on a scale not seen since Mia Farrow's bitty one all those many years ago, still was percolating in Phoebe's uterus for a couple of months. That might explain Phoebe's current behavior, right? It would also be far too complex a character motivation for this show, so let's keep the recap moving, shall we?
The Dolt and Piper move in for a snog just as The Done One's cowrie shells go off. It sounds like a car alarm, and Raige has somehow wired it into the Manor's electrical system, for every wall sconce and floor lamp in the house winks on and off as sirens shriek in the background. If they're so concerned about their frigging cash flow, they should hook Raige up with union card. Raige bolts out of Prue Memorial to barrel past Piper and the Dolt just as two middle-aged demonic sorts shimmy on over to The Done One's bassinet. A glowing, spherical blue force field shoots out around the kid, knocking the demons onto their respective behinds. Piper deploys the Hands Of Discontent, and the demon on the right dissolves into a spray of black shards and flame. The portly, terrycloth-clad demon on the left glances up from the floor in fear before smearing out. What? I'm telling you, the guy was wearing a bathrobe. Piper mutters dark oaths to herself as she crosses to retrieve the wailing Done One from his crib. "Way to use your powers, little guy!" the Dolt enthuses. I'd tell him to blow it out that immense ass of his, but I'm far too distracted by the multiple baby swaps that follow. This sequence is quite obviously stitched together from multiple takes, and as a result, it looks like Piper approaches one infant, picks up another, cuddles an utterly immobile chunk of plastic that's been swaddled in a blue blanket, and gazes down with motherly concern upon yet another child. This last, pudgy Done One stares into the camera all cock-eyed for a moment until we all fall into the opening credits.