Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Baby's First Sucky Episode
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 16 | Aired on 03.29.2003
Meanwhile, over in the front parlor, the wee Done One screams as Piper pushes herself up on an elbow to check on him. "I think we need a little healing here," she tells the Dolt. "He looks fine to me," the Dolt replies. "Not him, you blind, pantywaisted asswipe," Piper grunts. "Me," she finishes, indicating her badly broken leg. Piper promptly passes out as Raige gapes her way into the commercial break.
No, Piper didn't call her husband a blind, pantywaisted asswipe, but wouldn't it rule if she had?
Back from the break, Raige braces the still-unconscious Piper in her arms as the Dolt applies the tingly touch to the gaping wound in his wife's shin. Bone and denim knit themselves up as Piper suddenly shrieks herself awake. Since when did the tingly touch hurt? Whatever. The three natter about Piper's now-vulnerable postpartum self for a bit before Raige proposes that they scry for Swinezits with the Hawker's dagger. "We can disguise ourselves as demons, infiltrate the market, and pretend we know how to get the Charmed Ones' baby," she perks Once they learn who's after The Done One, she continues, "we vanquish them, everyone they've ever met, and proceed with our original demon-killing message-sending plan!" "It's a very wordy, very good plan," Piper agrees, but the Dolt begs to differ. "It's a good plan to send the mother of my child into the hornet's nest because you overcharged a trap?" he pissily snipes at Raige. Shut up, Dolt. Piper dismisses his concerns and prepares to join Raige up in the attic. Just then, the Asian Done One gazes placidly up at her from the depths of his bassinet. Piper rolls her eyes and begs off. Raige adopts a poker face and flounces away to "check the Book of Shadows" for anything she might have missed earlier. The Dolt heads off to phone the Feebs while Piper rests a protective hand on the Asian Done One. "We're not going to let anyone steal you," she insists, her eyes getting a little damp.
Upstairs, Raige tiptoes into the Bridal Boudoir and gently plucks The Done One's embroidered blanket from his upstairs bassinet. The screen flashes white for a moment, and when the image returns, we discover that Rose McGowan has slipped into one of her old Monkeybone costumes -- inappropriate cleavage, hideous wig, and all. Of course, she's lacking the whiskers, and this wig's white blonde, but I'm amazed that Rose McGowan can actually pull off these outfits. In this particular shot, she actually looks a bit like Ava Gardner, had Ava Gardner been the victim of a spectacularly inept double-process. And a dominatrix. Yet, somehow it all works. Clutching The Done One's blanket in one hand, she tentatively picks her stiletto-shod way through a clearing in the woods before a Flaming Ball Of You Will Be Knocked On Your PVC-Clad Ass Now smacks her in the boobs. Two lunkheaded demonic enforcer types squiggle out of the trees to confront her. She rises to her feet and huffily insists that she's "a dissatisfied customer." She "paid a pretty penny" for a flaming dagger that doesn't flame at all, dammit, and now she wants her money back. The enforcers question her credentials, so she sassily guts one of them. After he dissolves into a cloud of soot that quickly settles on the ground, Raige flashes the dagger at the remaining enforcer and pouts, "See? No flame." The remaining enforcer sweeps a hand through the air, and a crappy overlay of Pigscabs zaps in between a pair of trees. Raige cocks an eyebrow slightly and steps through the portal, after which the remaining enforcer swipes shut the entrance.