Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Baby's First Sucky Episode
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 16 | Aired on 03.29.2003
Chez Suck. Piper and Phoebe storm in to free the kitten-weak Raige, who mumbles barely understood warnings about The Albino Twins. As Piper and the Feebs drag Raige through the bombed-out remains of Pigscabs, Piper drops the embroidered blanket in the dirt. Crazy Grace scuttles over to retrieve it, notes the triquatra with absolutely insane amounts of alarm, and scuttles away.
Manor. The Non-Asian/Asian Precious Done One Log squeals and screams and cries as The Albino Twins suck on his force field. You think I'm kidding with that, don't you? The groggy Dolt manages to pull it together long enough to smash a lamp into one of The Twins' heads, then falls to his knees at The Non-Asian/Asian Precious Done One Log's side. The force field drops long enough to admit the Dolt, then flares back up again as The Albino Twins return for more suckage.
Attic. The Ps swarm into the room amid a swirling cloud of glowing golf balls. Piper and Phoebe ease Raige onto the sofa and scamper down the stairs. Once they hit the landing, Piper flings out her Hands, demolishing the shorter of The Twins. The remaining albino flears out. Once Piper confirms both the Dolt and The Non-Asian/Asian Precious Done One Log are okay, she and Phoebe head back to Swinezits.
Chez Suck. The remaining Twin, whom I'll call Albino Adrien because of his nose, flears into the room to find Crazy Grace waiting for him by the window. As she stares bleakly out at the ruins of Pigscabs, she wearily intones, "You did this to us. I warned you." Albino Adrien snots that witches destroyed Swinezits, not he and his late, unlamented partner in suck. Crazy Grace inhales sharply and wheels about to face him with the embroidered blanket clutched in her bony hands, as if she intends sear the flesh from his worthless body with one hate-filled, enraged glance. She stops short, though, when she catches sight of some undefined expression in his red eyes, and forces herself to calm down a bit. There's a very strange dynamic between these two in this scene, and it makes me wonder if Crazy Grace is actually Albino Adrien's mentor, or mother, or something. Whatever their relationship, it's certainly not scripted, which leads me to believe Grace Zabriskie hashed out some interesting character choices with this actor on her own. In any event, though calmer than when she first spun around, she still spits the following line with more conviction and deadly menace than I've ever seen on this show: "This child is powerful beyond your understanding. What I have foreseen is not to be ignored." I know it doesn't read that well on the page, but trust me: Crazy Grace is mopping the floor with this scene's ass.
"What did you see?" Albino Adrien unwisely challenges. "What is he?" "He is," Crazy Grace breathes, "our end." "We'll have nothing more to do with this…being," she announces, practically gagging on that last word. "Easy for you to say," Albino Adrien snots as Piper and Phoebe arrive at the apartment's threshold. "You have powers of your own." Whatever her relationship to Albino Adrien, Crazy Grace will not tolerate this sort of insolence. She smiles sweetly, croons, "And I enjoy using them," and proceeds to hurl a mighty bit of sandy whirlwind mojo at the guy through the forked fingers of her right hand. The funnel that spins around Albino Adrien slowly constricts until it squeezes him into a tiny puff of dust that drifts onto Chez Suck's stone floor.