Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Baby's First Sucky Episode
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 16 | Aired on 03.29.2003
Over in one of the stalls, a frightened young brunette stands strapped to a pole while the bathrobed Hawker trades tedious expository remarks with the pair of albinos who originally hired him to snatch Piper's precious Log away from the Manor. "We paid you for a [Log]," the shorter of the albinos spits, "not a gypsy." Apparently, The Albino Twins were "cursed" some time ago by a witch, and now must feed on the power of other magical entities to remain alive. They need The Log because Its built-in force field "makes [It] a perfect battery -- a self-sustaining, never-ending source of power." If The Albino Twins tap into said source, it "will return [them] to [their] former strength." The Hawker's all, "And this is my problem…how?" before brushing past them to wait on The One. The Only. The Insane Grace Zabriskie. Hooray! Crazy Grace sweeps past the various extras in Pigscabs proper to arrive at the Hawker's table in a straggly grey wig and the sort of all-black, post-apocalyptic, lashed-together-with-twine, Medea-on-crack fashions that were terribly popular with Japanese clothing designers at the end of the 1980s. I'd worry about that last remark dating me, but screw it. If I'm worshipping at the altar of Crazy Grace, I've already indicated just how far gone I am.
Crazy Grace gropes through an apparent barbiturate haze to order "the eyes of two dozen adult brown bats and a large boar's tongue" from the justifiably obsequious Hawker. The Albino Twins, meanwhile, bitch about Crazy Grace jumping ahead of them on line. Crazy Grace just fixes them with a look of utter contempt and snorts something about "bottom feeders" ruining her otherwise enjoyable morning of shopping. We love the Crazy Grace. Oh, yes we do. Crazy Grace sneers a bit more at The Twins before drawing herself short and sniffing distastefully at the air around them. Hee! Turning to address the Hawker, she darkly warns, "I sense danger. The task these leeches seek you for will only bring death and destruction, and not to our enemies." She punctuates this assertion with a wicked side-eye of regal proportions before collecting her parcel and exiting, taking with her any interest I had in this scene. The Albino Twins decide to buy the mute gypsy from the Hawker anyway, but double the price they're willing to pay for Piper's Precious Log.
The Bay Mirror, which apparently moved its newsroom from the low-slung Daly City office park we've seen in the past to a mid-rise pre-war edifice in San Francisco proper, if that establishing shot's anything to go by. Whatever. Elise Rothman, Girl Editor is warning her staff about possible layoffs in the wake of the paper's purchase by a certain "Jason Dean," whom Elise describes as "a dot-com millionaire known for shaking up the companies he buys." And all this time I thought Jason Dean was a squinty-eyed Nicholson manqué with a thing for blowing up pep rallies. Phoebe rudely interrupts the meeting to share some new pictures of The Done One with her coworkers. For some reason, Elise Rothman, Girl Editor does not plant a size nine in Phoebe's bony ass for doing so. While Phoebe and a few of her gal pals coo over the snapshots, a lanky, blue-eyed twentysomething with gravity defying hair and alarmingly expressive eyebrows sidles over to the ladies to wonder how long ago Phoebe gave birth. Phoebe distractedly replies that she's the infant's aunt before finally directing her attention at the curious gentleman. Of course, she's instantly smitten and horns up before our very eyes, fanning her overheated self with The Done One's photos. Needless to say, the curious gentleman is none other than the infamous Jason Dean, and I'll say this right now: As eye candy, Eric Dane should do just fine. He's a little frattish for my taste, and he's eerily reminiscent of Slampiece Fauxhawk, but hey -- if they're going to limit my choices to Phoebe's new boss and the Dolt, I think it's clear whom I have to pick.