Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Baby's First Sucky Episode
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 16 | Aired on 03.29.2003
Raige enters Chez Albino to discover The Twins sucking the remaining life force out of that mute gypsy from earlier. After the gypsy slumps over dead, Raige attempts to bluff her way through a Precious Log bounty negotiation with the red-eyed boys, but blows her cover when she prematurely unleashes the "hand grenade potion." As the vial shatters on the floor and bursts into a fireball, The Albino Twins throw out their hands and suck up all of the potion's magic. They then turn their Hands Of Suck on Raige, who loses her frightful wig in the ensuing miniature whirlwind that arises as The Albino Twins drain her into unconsciousness. We head into the commercial break as the Hands Of Suck siphon shimmery bits of whatever out of Raige's face.
God, I hate this episode.
Manor. Night. Up in the attic, Phoebe scries for Pigscabs with a crystal that smacks down right in the center of Golden Gate Park on her map, which only serves to irritate me more. An enormous demonic marketplace has been operating out of Golden Gate Park for God knows how many years, and the Glamorous Ladies never once encountered it until now? The idiot responsible for this storyline can blow me. After an endless round of bickering regarding which of the remaining Ps is responsible for Raige's current predicament -- during which Piper beats herself up for reneging on her initial agreement to accompany Raige to Swinezits, Phoebe strenuously denies spending the entire day trying to wrap her greedy hands around Chronic The Hedgehog's manly bits, and I resort to ungainly run-on sentences -- Phoebe asks for pen and paper to compose a spell that will transport them to Raige's current location. For some reason, as soon as Piper hands over the paper, Phoebe's flung into a premonition of The Albino Twins sucking the life out of Raige. It makes no sense, because the paper has no connection whatsoever to Raige, but whatever. "It's time to panic," Phoebe announces upon snapping out of it, just as the Precious Log's alarm goes off again.
Chez Suck. The Albino Twins loom over a prone, manacled, and whimpering Raige. The Twins decide to use Raige to lure Piper and Phoebe to Pigscabs, then head over to the Manor to abscond with Piper's Precious Log once Piper and Phoebe have left the house.
Manor attic. The Non-Asian Done One gurgles up at Piper, then morphs into Piper's Precious Log when the shot shifts away to a wide angle that includes the Dolt entering from the stairwell. The kid's got talent. More bickering, this time about the faulty alarm system. The Precious Log morphs into the Asian Done One as Piper approaches Phoebe to whine and complain, then morphs into the Non-Asian Done One for Phoebe's reaction shot. Meanwhile, the rusty gears embedded deep within the Dolt's scary, gigantic gargoyle head slowly begin to grind. "Piper," he suggests, "put [The Non-Asian/Asian Precious Done One Log] down." "What?" Piper barks back at him, as if he just suggested that she rip off the kid's leg so he could smack Phoebe around with it for a while. The Dolt urges Piper and Phoebe to trust him. Piper eases The Non-Asian/Asian Precious Done One Log into the antique carriage, and she and Phoebe retreat to the Dolt's side. Presently, Raige's alarm system goes off. "He's doing it," the Dolt explains. "[The Non-Asian/Asian Precious Done One Log] is using his powers to set off the alarm." Phoebe and Piper make with the nauseating "Who's a widdle genius?" noises while the Dolt beams proudly. Shut up, Dolt.