Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Baby's First Sucky Episode
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 16 | Aired on 03.29.2003
Of course, it also helps that Eric Dane can, you know, act. "I always pictured a newspaper bullpen as being a little more, I don't know, bustling," he offers, placing amusing emphasis on that last word. The gathered staff members eye each other warily for a beat before busily bustling away. Heh. Elise apologetically introduces herself and offers to lead Dane on a tour, but he chooses to dawdle a bit with the flirtatious Feebs. The paper's circulation is down, he notes, and he plans to bring it back up by exploiting Phoebe's much-praised and never-displayed gift for journalism. Once again, the Donna Martin Syndrome rears its prominent schnozz on prime time television. Phoebe stammers nervously in response to the compliment before adding, "I'm sorry about the little picture show." Dane assures her that if he had "a nephew that cute," he'd be showing him off to everyone as well. "Best I can do," he admits, sliding his wallet from his back pocket, "is a picture of my dog." Dane's mutt bears a suspicious resemblance to Literal Bitch Prue, but all Phoebe manages to gasp is, "He has your eyes!" Dane grins as he's led away by anxious, ass-kissing Elise. Phoebe fans herself some more, spins around, and doofs her way into her private office. I very nearly didn't hate her in that scene, and it's all because of the hair and makeup. For the first time in months, I got through a Phoebe scene without wanting to gouge out my eyes with a nail file because of the way she looked. Take a note, Dead Eilish's Replacement Costume Designer.
Manor. Raige enters the sun porch from outdoors, and informs Piper and the Dolt she's done something around the house with apples and sage to ensure the safety of Piper's Precious Log. Don't look at me like that. The last time they pulled this low-rent magikal krap, they used apples and laurel leaves, so I have no idea what Raige thinks she accomplished out there in the garden with the sage. Raige next asks if Piper and the Dolt succeeded in summoning The Log's "fairy guards," and I don't know if I should snicker or kill myself. Probably the latter. Piper admits that they haven't completed the summoning ritual, because The Log needs a name first. To that end, she and the Dolt dug up the infamously inaccurate family tree for ideas. Raige, having never seen the thing before, excitedly darts over to Piper's side to scan the names of her ancestors and immediately advises against the name Herbert. Somewhere on Long Island, Demian's cousin Herbie lifts his eyes from his diagramless crossword long enough glare in Raige's general direction. Don't worry, Herbie. Raige gets some immediate karmic payback for that uncalled for slam when she realizes she has yet to be added to the official roll of Halliwells past and present. Though I must admit I don't know why she's getting her panties in such a tremendous wad. After all, they haven't inked in Piper's marriage or The Late Lamented's death either. Awkwardness ensues as Piper and the Dolt try to gloss over the omission and fail miserably.