Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Piper Halliwell, Ph.D
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 9 | Aired on 11.19.2005
Manor. Aftermath. The still-dead-to-the-world-but-not-dead-enough-for-my-taste-thank-you-very-much Vampy Retard sprawls on the floor between the center parlor and the sun porch while Phoebe, Piper, and the just-arriving Raige try and fail to puzzle out what's really going on. Eventually, Piper heads into the kitchen to summon an ever-useless Elder while Raige heads up to the nonexistent attic to scry for Papí Ramón. Phoebe's to remain in the center parlor with The Vampy Retard, because Piper's sick of her birdbrained sister's obnoxious hagging and hopes The Vampy Retard will once more rise up to kill the selfish bitch. Or something like that.
Out in the kitchen, the ever-useless Elder who threatened the life of Daddy Dearest in the premiere and later advised Raige to fling open the Manor's doors to the snooping reporters who swarmed the deglamoured Glamorous Idiots after Agent Murphy's press conference orbs into the room to fill Piper in on the entire annoying situation from a Whitelighterland perspective. Long story short, the precredits go-go boy was Patient Zero for a virus that's now ripping through the entire "magical community," both aboveground and in the Underworld. "We have learned," Ever-Useless Elder Whatsisname reveals, "that the more powerful you are, the quicker the virus consumes you." Piper looks perturbed, and then we get an entirely unnecessary shot of the Manor's façade before the camera cuts over to...
...Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World, where Ivan Sergei's flipping through some files as Raige enters his office with El Niño in her arms. Ivan freaks until Raige produces a slip of paper with every imaginable bit of contact information for Papí Ramón, right down to the name of the local he hangs out at after work, and how she gleaned all of this from one scrying session up in the nonexistent attic, I'll never know. Nor will I ever care, because I am so beyond all of that after seven and a half years of this garbage. I will note that the subsequent scene between the two is very pleasant, indeed. However, as nothing they say to each other is of any overall importance to the episode at hand, I'll once again be skipping through it all in favor of returning to...
...the Manor, where The Vampy Retard shudders her unconscious self into a seizure on the center parlor floor. Phoebe calls frantically for Piper, who arrives in time to see The Vampy Retard morph back down into regular Bimbo form. "Oh, no," Piper groans before giving Phoebe the short version of what she learned from the ever-useless Elder in the kitchen. "If we don't find an antidote soon, she'll die," Piper finishes, and I must say, Piper doesn't seem to be too concerned about the whole Impending Death Of The Retard thing. God love her. However, Phoebe, for some ridiculous reason, phreaks, and kneels by the unconscious Bimbo's body to mewl and whatnot until Piper calls for Raige, who orbs into the center parlor from points unknown. "We've got to get to Agent Murphy's," Piper announces, reaching out for Raige's hand. Raige instantly orbs with Piper up through the ceiling, leaving Phoebe alone with The Retard. I don't know about any of you, but I'm of the opinion that now would be a perfect moment for the Underworld to launch a massive concerted demonic attack on the Manor, no?